Okay, let's see if this thing still works

Dear Internet Machine:

It's been 18 months since the last blog post. There has been lots going on. I got my basement finished and my kitchen renovated. New bathroom, too. I think you'll like it. I should have you and the wife over for a barbecue. I'll facebook you.

But in the meantime, it's time to blog again...before Apple launches an app that will blog for me and turn me into a vegan robot.

A few ground rules this time: No blogging after midnight, when moods turn dark, malice erupts, and petty feuds are born. And no foul language, like that pottymouth tramp Lindsay Lohan. The Tail is now rated "G." Maybe Disney will make an offer. Yeah, that would nice.

Your pal,
Derek

Come Back to the Five and Dime, Rotary Phone, Rotary Phone

h/t The Real Dan Lyons

EXCLUSIVE TAIL PHOTO: Stephen Harper's Newest Senators

Mike Duffy and Pamela Wallin arrive to be sworn in as the newest members of the Order of the Bottomless Trough.

The new Senator from Cheeseburger-North-Centre, Duffy is a little slow because he just finished his usual breakfast of six boiled orphans served on a bed of grilled kittens.

Sen. Wallin, representing Ballbuster-North-Battleaxe, is her usual fetching self after the ancient initiation ritual for new female senators – a sound paddling administered by the Red Chamber’s Gentleman of the Permanently Hard Rod, Senator Colin Kenny. You’ve come a long way, baby!

Ah Schadenfreude...How You Fill Me With Joy

I take this opportunity to clear off the cobwebs of The Tail to report my old friend Cheri DiNovo appears to be cracking up under the pressure of Dipper martyrdom.

From the venerable Graham P. Murray's Inside Queen's Park:

JOB LOSSES MOUNT – AT NDP CAUCUS
Cheri DiNovo has fired her three Queen’s Park
staffers. The Parkdale-High Park MPP zapped them
with late night e-mails – sent out on Labour Day, of all
days of the year. The next morning she tried to un-fire
them, blaming her managerial zeal on drinking too
heavily and being affronted when none of them showed
at her community BBQ. This was actually the second
time that all of DiNovo’s staffers had been canned
electronically, and rather than go back to await a third
deletion the Parkdale Three have grieved their firings
under the very strong caucus collective agreement.

h/t WK

UPDATE (Oct. 3): Bitterly lashing out with trademark kneejerkery in the Ottawa Citizen, DiNovo is blaming NDP leadership rivals of Peter Tabuns for leaking the story:

A provincial NDP politician is calling a report that she fired all her staff members in a late-night, wine-fuelled e-mail message "a huge exaggeration."...

...Asked on Wednesday whether the report was accurate, Ms. DiNovo would only answer: "This is an inner personnel matter. We're talking about disgruntled staff, and of course the story is problematic at least. I mean I was just laughing about it when I saw it in Inside Queen's Park."

"Let's just say it's a labour negotiation," she added. "Let's just put it that way. And we'll end it there, OK?"

Yes, a negotiation. Staff are making the outrageous demand that they not be subjected to summary email firings by the tipsy boss. Is DiNovo seeking concessions entitling her to one round of summary email firings in a fit of boozy pique every six to eight weeks?

Oh, but it gets better.

Ms. DiNovo, a United Church minister who admitted to smuggling LSD as a homeless street kid in her teens, suggested the story might be an attempt to wound her credibility within Ontario's New Democratic Party...

..."I am supporting Peter Tabuns for leader [of the Ontario NDP], so perhaps this is the first salvo of the gloves off in the leadership campaign, that they're going to start attacking those who support others."...

...Ms. DiNovo, who answered her own phone at her Queen's Park office Wednesday afternoon, was asked whether she was denying the story in IQP.

"What I'm saying is this is an inside personnel matter," she responded. "We're dealing with staff on this and we'll handle it in caucus and let's just say there's been huge exaggerations involved....Let's just leave it at that, OK?"

SFH - Sept. 11 - Annex Wreckroom - T-dot

Hello cats and kittens.

Having survived the gin demons of Ottawa, an electrical storm that nearly left them like four strips of extra crispy bacon in Hamilton, a mechanical bull in Guelph and numerous internal feuds, SFH is pleased to announce their first Toronto show in 18 months.

There you'll find these things they call "compact discs" that used to be fairly prevalent around 1995, before the "internet." It's called "Wheel of Wow" and there are 10 hot new "tracks." People used to call them "songs", but now they're "MP3 files". Weird, eh.

Opening are The Diabollocks, who know a thing or two about "punk rock" having "been there the first time 'round." Just don't heckle the drummer, because she can kick your "ass."

SFH with The Diabollocks
Thurs. Sept. 11
Annex Wreckroom
794 Bathurst Street (north of Bloor)

Tastes Like Chicken

There's something about staring down the barrels of 4 Russian tank divisions that makes you want to eat your tie.



No doubt this clip will be broadcast across Russia in a constant loop for the next two weeks. The more I see of Mikheil Saakashvili, the more he reminds me of a younger, more retarded version of George W. Bush. The Georgian people deserve better.

Are Vladimir Putin and Russian "president" Dimitri Medvedev my cup of tea? Not on your life. The Kremlin is probably the biggest single threat to long-term international stability, bigger than the Taliban, bigger than Iran, bigger than China. But the Russian threat is all the more dangerous thanks to the wasteful charade of the Iraq War, in which America's moral suasion after Sept. 11 was spectacularly squandered by stupidity and corruption.

I'm no Kofi Annan or anything, but when you're living next to a sociopathic regime with 10 times your military strength, a historic track record for ruthless occupation, and chomping at the bit to make an example out of a former satellite, Rule No. 1 would be: don't give them a reason to invade by overrunning one of their batallions.

Rule No. 2 would be: don't count on the Bush regime to save your foolish ass. This is the foreign policy team that botched Iraq and Afghanistan, and couldn't rescue New Orleans from a hurricane, so what makes you think they're going to break a sweat over you. So you've got a pipeline. Bully for you.

It's conceivable that this misadventure by an exciteable man-boy could sow the seeds of a Third World War. Something for all you healthy Canadian males aged 18-20 to think about.

As usual, Mackinnon makes the most sense out of this steaming pile of ca-ca.

It's Hammer Tme!

Our little skiffle quartet is to entertain children of all ages at the Festival of Friends in Gage Park this Saturday at 3 p.m. in the great city of Hamilton. All free, of course, except for the hot dogs and earplugs.

And the best part is, the headliner is Air Supply. Yes, that Air Supply.

I could not possibly make this up.