Iris Evans Is In The House and She's Gonna Kick Your Saudi-loving Ass

Iris Evans, Alberta's incoherent Finance Minister, is on the warpath in Sherwood Park, according to the state stenography pool at The Record.

Special Ed Stelmach's numbers gal delivered a positively Obamian feat of rhetorical flourish taking on everyone from the camel jockeys to the sandal-shod hippies in defence of dirty oil and the right to pollute because...we're Canadians, damnit.

'Tarsands' term threatens Albertans -- Evans; 'Greenpeace turkeys' threaten wallets of province's residents

Finance and Enterprise Minister Iris Evans said that environmentalists who have misconceptions about the oilsands are one of the biggest threats to Alberta's economy.

..."We have the second largest supply of oil in tarsands... and I really shouldn't call it the tarsands, that is my first mistake. It's the fact that people are calling it tarsands and dirty oil that most threatens everybody in this room," she said.

"Here's the real meal deal. The oilsands represents one tenth of one per cent of all the air emissions in the world. So every time you pick up a newspaper and somebody says 'that dirty oil' you should write that newspaper a letter and remind them that Canada only produces four per cent of the world's emissions and two per cent of that is attributable to the oilsands."

Real meal deal? That's the best the $21-million-a-year Public Affairs Bureau can come up with? Or did Tom Olsen just steal it from an Arby's commercial.

Forget about your pothole craters, your crowded hospitals, the crappy schools your children attend, and the horrific seniors care your parents get in Canada's richest province.

Write that crusty editor man and remind him that Canada is but a mere pimple on the ass of polluting humanity, so not to worry. And be sure to use the word "attributable," because editors just looooove those big Oxbridge words on the letters page. It drives Rick Bell even more nuts. Makes you look like you know what you're talking about. Gives them a great big party in their pants, too, it does.

But please, don't let me stop you.

"Why am I feeling under siege? Because 35 American states are talking about not wanting your product in their backyard. I watch the television and see Air Force One land is Saudi Arabia and (U.S. President George) Bush speak to them about getting more of their product. I'm wondering, what's the matter with us?" she asked.

Yeah, what? Is it my Hillary-esque pantsuit? Is it my shitty peroxide job? Is it my face that looks like it was bashed in with a two-by-four?

If you wanna buy your oil from a bunch of dress-wearing, terrorist-financing, camel jockeys that get a kick out of a good public beheading, go ahead, but if you come crawling back when the Islamofascists kick the Saudi royal family out on their private jets, don't be expecting the sugar right off the bat, ya hear. I'm gonna need some romance.

But our gal ain't done yet.

"The Greenpeace turkeys that hung that banner at the premier's dinner are threatening your wallets and your livelihood," she said."...these environmental headlines are the biggest threat that Alberta has. It threatens everything we do in the industrial heartland."

Of course a little trip to the tailing pond will take care of those turkeys. And ducks too.

Yes, these headlines can kill! And not just ducks! But jobs! And your children too! Don't worry about the arsenic, barite, mercury, sulfuric acid, cadmium, benzine and cyanide found in your garden variety Fort McMurray tailing ponds.

It's the headlines, I tell you! Think of the children!

And now for the coup de grace!

Evans said the premier along with several cabinet ministers meet every week to discuss how the province can continue to be attractive and competitive for industry while ensuring they aren't compromising the environment for the next generation.

"We don't want to lose our competitiveness but we don't want to lose our country because of pollution in any capacity," she said. "We are talking about responsible economic development to be sustainable in Alberta."

Thank Jesus H.R. Samuel Christ, they're meeting! And, like, weekly too. What more can they do to shut up that annoying Suzuki man who doesn't shave or get his hair cut, not to mention those Indians and their lawyers?

And so our brush with the brilliance of this Special Ed cabinet heavyweight comes to an end. Imagine the intellectual wattage of the backbench.