Born With A Tail

Okay, let's see if this thing still works

2010-08-09T22:43:00.000-05:00

Dear Internet Machine:

It's been 18 months since the last blog post. There has been lots going on. I got my basement finished and my kitchen renovated. New bathroom, too. I think you'll like it. I should have you and the wife over for a barbecue. I'll facebook you.

But in the meantime, it's time to blog again...before Apple launches an app that will blog for me and turn me into a vegan robot.

A few ground rules this time: No blogging after midnight, when moods turn dark, malice erupts, and petty feuds are born. And no foul language, like that pottymouth tramp Lindsay Lohan. The Tail is now rated "G." Maybe Disney will make an offer. Yeah, that would nice.

Your pal,
Derek

Come Back to the Five and Dime, Rotary Phone, Rotary Phone

2009-03-10T21:51:00.002-05:00

h/t The Real Dan Lyons

EXCLUSIVE TAIL PHOTO: Stephen Harper's Newest Senators

2008-12-23T11:42:00.002-05:00

Mike Duffy and Pamela Wallin arrive to be sworn in as the newest members of the Order of the Bottomless Trough.

The new Senator from Cheeseburger-North-Centre, Duffy is a little slow because he just finished his usual breakfast of six boiled orphans served on a bed of grilled kittens.

Sen. Wallin, representing Ballbuster-North-Battleaxe, is her usual fetching self after the ancient initiation ritual for new female senators – a sound paddling administered by the Red Chamber’s Gentleman of the Permanently Hard Rod, Senator Colin Kenny. You’ve come a long way, baby!

Ah Schadenfreude...How You Fill Me With Joy

2008-10-02T12:58:00.005-05:00

I take this opportunity to clear off the cobwebs of The Tail to report my old friend Cheri DiNovo appears to be cracking up under the pressure of Dipper martyrdom.

From the venerable Graham P. Murray's Inside Queen's Park:

JOB LOSSES MOUNT – AT NDP CAUCUS
Cheri DiNovo has fired her three Queen’s Park
staffers. The Parkdale-High Park MPP zapped them
with late night e-mails – sent out on Labour Day, of all
days of the year. The next morning she tried to un-fire
them, blaming her managerial zeal on drinking too
heavily and being affronted when none of them showed
at her community BBQ. This was actually the second
time that all of DiNovo’s staffers had been canned
electronically, and rather than go back to await a third
deletion the Parkdale Three have grieved their firings
under the very strong caucus collective agreement.

h/t WK

UPDATE (Oct. 3): Bitterly lashing out with trademark kneejerkery in the Ottawa Citizen, DiNovo is blaming NDP leadership rivals of Peter Tabuns for leaking the story:

A provincial NDP politician is calling a report that she fired all her staff members in a late-night, wine-fuelled e-mail message "a huge exaggeration."...

...Asked on Wednesday whether the report was accurate, Ms. DiNovo would only answer: "This is an inner personnel matter. We're talking about disgruntled staff, and of course the story is problematic at least. I mean I was just laughing about it when I saw it in Inside Queen's Park."

"Let's just say it's a labour negotiation," she added. "Let's just put it that way. And we'll end it there, OK?"

Yes, a negotiation. Staff are making the outrageous demand that they not be subjected to summary email firings by the tipsy boss. Is DiNovo seeking concessions entitling her to one round of summary email firings in a fit of boozy pique every six to eight weeks?

Oh, but it gets better.

Ms. DiNovo, a United Church minister who admitted to smuggling LSD as a homeless street kid in her teens, suggested the story might be an attempt to wound her credibility within Ontario's New Democratic Party...

..."I am supporting Peter Tabuns for leader [of the Ontario NDP], so perhaps this is the first salvo of the gloves off in the leadership campaign, that they're going to start attacking those who support others."...

...Ms. DiNovo, who answered her own phone at her Queen's Park office Wednesday afternoon, was asked whether she was denying the story in IQP.

"What I'm saying is this is an inside personnel matter," she responded. "We're dealing with staff on this and we'll handle it in caucus and let's just say there's been huge exaggerations involved....Let's just leave it at that, OK?"

SFH - Sept. 11 - Annex Wreckroom - T-dot

2008-08-26T21:17:00.005-05:00

Hello cats and kittens.

Having survived the gin demons of Ottawa, an electrical storm that nearly left them like four strips of extra crispy bacon in Hamilton, a mechanical bull in Guelph and numerous internal feuds, SFH is pleased to announce their first Toronto show in 18 months.

There you'll find these things they call "compact discs" that used to be fairly prevalent around 1995, before the "internet." It's called "Wheel of Wow" and there are 10 hot new "tracks." People used to call them "songs", but now they're "MP3 files". Weird, eh.

Opening are The Diabollocks, who know a thing or two about "punk rock" having "been there the first time 'round." Just don't heckle the drummer, because she can kick your "ass."

SFH with The Diabollocks
Thurs. Sept. 11
Annex Wreckroom
794 Bathurst Street (north of Bloor)

Tastes Like Chicken

2008-08-18T11:50:00.006-05:00

There's something about staring down the barrels of 4 Russian tank divisions that makes you want to eat your tie.

No doubt this clip will be broadcast across Russia in a constant loop for the next two weeks. The more I see of Mikheil Saakashvili, the more he reminds me of a younger, more retarded version of George W. Bush. The Georgian people deserve better.

Are Vladimir Putin and Russian "president" Dimitri Medvedev my cup of tea? Not on your life. The Kremlin is probably the biggest single threat to long-term international stability, bigger than the Taliban, bigger than Iran, bigger than China. But the Russian threat is all the more dangerous thanks to the wasteful charade of the Iraq War, in which America's moral suasion after Sept. 11 was spectacularly squandered by stupidity and corruption.

I'm no Kofi Annan or anything, but when you're living next to a sociopathic regime with 10 times your military strength, a historic track record for ruthless occupation, and chomping at the bit to make an example out of a former satellite, Rule No. 1 would be: don't give them a reason to invade by overrunning one of their batallions.

Rule No. 2 would be: don't count on the Bush regime to save your foolish ass. This is the foreign policy team that botched Iraq and Afghanistan, and couldn't rescue New Orleans from a hurricane, so what makes you think they're going to break a sweat over you. So you've got a pipeline. Bully for you.

It's conceivable that this misadventure by an exciteable man-boy could sow the seeds of a Third World War. Something for all you healthy Canadian males aged 18-20 to think about.

As usual, Mackinnon makes the most sense out of this steaming pile of ca-ca.

It's Hammer Tme!

2008-08-05T22:41:00.002-05:00

Our little skiffle quartet is to entertain children of all ages at the Festival of Friends in Gage Park this Saturday at 3 p.m. in the great city of Hamilton. All free, of course, except for the hot dogs and earplugs.

And the best part is, the headliner is Air Supply. Yes, that Air Supply.

I could not possibly make this up.

Bush Gets Stoned

2008-07-30T15:44:00.008-05:00

I'm still pretty pissed off at Oliver Stone for stealing 3 1/2 hours of my life I'll never get back watching Alexander. Not even a naked Angelina Jolie dry-humping a python while rolling around in muskrat pelts made that film worth the tedious effort.

Based on this trailer, I'll give him another chance.

Bush haters psyching themselves up for a good, old-fashioned festival of bile would be well advised to see Stone's Nixon. He actually made the old colostomy bag look human, graceful and classy in the end, no more or less flawed than any of us. I predict he'll pull the same trick with W.

Still, Richard Dreyfuss playing Dick Cheney looks inspired. And Barbara Bush can't be unhappy to have Ellen Burstyn cast as the matriarch of mediocrity.

Iris Evans Is In The House and She's Gonna Kick Your Saudi-loving Ass

2008-06-05T19:27:00.007-05:00

Iris Evans, Alberta's incoherent Finance Minister, is on the warpath in Sherwood Park, according to the state stenography pool at The Record.

Special Ed Stelmach's numbers gal delivered a positively Obamian feat of rhetorical flourish taking on everyone from the camel jockeys to the sandal-shod hippies in defence of dirty oil and the right to pollute because...we're Canadians, damnit.

'Tarsands' term threatens Albertans -- Evans; 'Greenpeace turkeys' threaten wallets of province's residents

Finance and Enterprise Minister Iris Evans said that environmentalists who have misconceptions about the oilsands are one of the biggest threats to Alberta's economy.

..."We have the second largest supply of oil in tarsands... and I really shouldn't call it the tarsands, that is my first mistake. It's the fact that people are calling it tarsands and dirty oil that most threatens everybody in this room," she said.

"Here's the real meal deal. The oilsands represents one tenth of one per cent of all the air emissions in the world. So every time you pick up a newspaper and somebody says 'that dirty oil' you should write that newspaper a letter and remind them that Canada only produces four per cent of the world's emissions and two per cent of that is attributable to the oilsands."

Real meal deal? That's the best the $21-million-a-year Public Affairs Bureau can come up with? Or did Tom Olsen just steal it from an Arby's commercial.

Forget about your pothole craters, your crowded hospitals, the crappy schools your children attend, and the horrific seniors care your parents get in Canada's richest province.

Write that crusty editor man and remind him that Canada is but a mere pimple on the ass of polluting humanity, so not to worry. And be sure to use the word "attributable," because editors just looooove those big Oxbridge words on the letters page. It drives Rick Bell even more nuts. Makes you look like you know what you're talking about. Gives them a great big party in their pants, too, it does.

But please, don't let me stop you.

"Why am I feeling under siege? Because 35 American states are talking about not wanting your product in their backyard. I watch the television and see Air Force One land is Saudi Arabia and (U.S. President George) Bush speak to them about getting more of their product. I'm wondering, what's the matter with us?" she asked.

Yeah, what? Is it my Hillary-esque pantsuit? Is it my shitty peroxide job? Is it my face that looks like it was bashed in with a two-by-four?

If you wanna buy your oil from a bunch of dress-wearing, terrorist-financing, camel jockeys that get a kick out of a good public beheading, go ahead, but if you come crawling back when the Islamofascists kick the Saudi royal family out on their private jets, don't be expecting the sugar right off the bat, ya hear. I'm gonna need some romance.

But our gal ain't done yet.

"The Greenpeace turkeys that hung that banner at the premier's dinner are threatening your wallets and your livelihood," she said."...these environmental headlines are the biggest threat that Alberta has. It threatens everything we do in the industrial heartland."

Of course a little trip to the tailing pond will take care of those turkeys. And ducks too.

Yes, these headlines can kill! And not just ducks! But jobs! And your children too! Don't worry about the arsenic, barite, mercury, sulfuric acid, cadmium, benzine and cyanide found in your garden variety Fort McMurray tailing ponds.

It's the headlines, I tell you! Think of the children!

And now for the coup de grace!

Evans said the premier along with several cabinet ministers meet every week to discuss how the province can continue to be attractive and competitive for industry while ensuring they aren't compromising the environment for the next generation.

"We don't want to lose our competitiveness but we don't want to lose our country because of pollution in any capacity," she said. "We are talking about responsible economic development to be sustainable in Alberta."

Thank Jesus H.R. Samuel Christ, they're meeting! And, like, weekly too. What more can they do to shut up that annoying Suzuki man who doesn't shave or get his hair cut, not to mention those Indians and their lawyers?

And so our brush with the brilliance of this Special Ed cabinet heavyweight comes to an end. Imagine the intellectual wattage of the backbench.

Step Aside, Werner Patels and Rick Bell

2008-06-03T14:32:00.007-05:00

Harriet Christian is my new favourite lunatic. She's like a bitter, racist version of Cheri DiNovo.

The really priceless bit is at 05:45 of the Fox News piece, when the old battleaxe claims Barack Obama's whole candidacy is a sham because black people are too clueless to be trusted with a ballot.

Her subtext: Civil rights all well and fine, but don't push your luck.

"An Inadequate Black Male"

2008-06-01T21:36:00.002-05:00

Boy, what I'd give to be a member of the Democratic Party's rules committee, so that I could sit in a hotel ballroom all Saturday taking abuse from Insane Americans for Hillary, like this old battleaxe (h/t Wonkette):

So how did Hills lose? Well, she was the second-best candidate, but that's debatable. It turns out all her high-priced advisers couldn't be bothered to read the DNC rulebook to discover that the country is a lot bigger than New York, California, Michigan and Florida.

A nation weeps.

The Case For Eugenics - Part I

2008-04-24T23:08:00.002-05:00

It was a desperately long, nut-freezing winter here in the T-dot. But the two-wheel titanium stallion is out of the basement and on the road, and not a minute too soon.

It blows my mind how many cyclists are riding the streets of Toronto while listening to ipods. What with the abundance of streetcars, buses, transport trucks and plain old motor vehicles, which to the best of my knowledge are still rather hard on the unprotected human form in a collision.

If it were me with the death wish, I'd just play Russian Roulette instead. It's faster and less painful.

21st Century NEP

2008-03-10T11:56:00.005-05:00

As Calgary Grit wrote, not surprising this bombshell was kept under tight bubble wrap leading up to Special Ed's landslide victory with 21 per cent of the eligible vote.

Cue the outrage chorus from Neil Waugh, Rick Bell and the plagiarizing phony Licia Corbella.

For a guy who spent the entire election campaign lying his ass off about how many jobs would be lost even through the most modest of climate change remediation strategies, I'd hope that Special Ed will stand up for Alberta and tell John Baird that he can freeze in the dark with all the other Eastern bastards.

I shall keep you posted.

There's Bullshit....

2008-02-14T14:49:00.002-05:00

...and then there's the Mulroney Media Room!

If Stevie Cameron chooses to sue for libel, she can count on me for a donation to her legal fund.

Send your comments, critiques and fan mail here.

Talbert Walters

2008-01-30T21:38:00.000-05:00

Talbert Walters passed away last week after a tough battle against spinal cancer. He was a giant of a man in character, generosity and lust for life.

His many friends and family were hopeful he would beat the disease after positive results from surgery in 2007, but it wasn’t to be. He leaves a massive hole in the lives of many who were swept away by his charm, sense of humour, big heart, and passion for just about everything, especially basketball.

Talbert grew up in Jamaica, and not in ideal circumstances. After moving to Alberta, he worked on the front lines of the energy industry, but took a shine to journalism, and chipped away at a journalism diploma at Calgary’s Southern Alberta Institute of Technology while working full time.

Shortly before he would have graduated, he scored an entry-level newsroom job at the bottom of Calgary’s media food chain, the Sun tabloid, before moving to the Herald. Here he made a lot of great friends who would last his sadly shortened life, but he also learned about how capricious and petty the news business could be.

Talbert was let go just prior to the 1988 Winter Olympics, what should have been a career highlight helping to cover a major international event, according to his good friend Terry Inigo-Jones speaking at his funeral service. He was moved aside to make way for a supposedly more seasoned editor. But the Sun offered him a consolation job…in circulation.

Talbert ended up blowing off the offer, and in what would become a recurring episode in his life, aimed a little higher. He was hired by the ABC television network to cover the Winter Games. The Sun, on the other hand, were stuck with a high-priced washout, and ended up begging Talbert to return.

Like most talented Sun journalists, he would eventually move to The Herald as a copy editor, then an editorial writer.

He was among over 100 Herald workers who went on strike after Southam Newspapers, then owned by Hollinger Inc., refused to negotiate a first contract with the newly unionized newsroom. The company was ordered to refuse serious negotiation and drive the troublemakers to the picket line by Hollinger chairman Conrad Black, who figured it would be a breeze to keep the paper going using scabs and management in a bid to break the union. As much as it pains me to admit it, he was right.

The eight-month strike left the Herald as a hollowed-out, fatuous, right-wing grindstone for the elitist puppetmasters of Ralph Klein, Stockwell Day and, later on, Stephen Harper. By the strike’s end in July, 2000, the paper’s core of serious talent were fired, had taken humiliating buyouts, or were forced out by a vengeful management.

What was left were a bunch of scab washouts who’d failed miserably in other newspapers thanks to plagiarism, drunkenness and other misdemeanors, and pimply-faced youngsters who were promised full-time jobs to cross the line, only to be sold down the river when it was all over.

The Globe hired a handful of Herald strikers, including Talbert. Since the vast majority of non-tabloid daily newspapers were owned by Southam or Hollinger at the time, Herald strikers were persona non grata at all of them. There were maybe a half-dozen newspapers of quality that would look at them, and none were in Alberta.

This is also when I first met him. If the strike left any marks on Talbert’s psyche, he did not show it. He was enthusiastic and glad to be able to get on with his life and career. Surprisingly for a journalist, he didn’t outwardly nurse any grudges or spend a lot of time trading in bile.

On his first day, Talbert distinguished himself by going around introducing himself to everybody in the Globe newsroom. This might seem a normal thing to do, but not at The Globe. Its news desk is an intimidating place at the best of times, and outgoing acts of fellowship are looked on with suspicion and derision.

Talbert probably sensed this, as most new hires do, but unlike some others, he didn’t wilt away in his cubicle until he passed probation. He didn’t care what anybody thought. He was going to be himself, and if people were put off by it, it was their problem. Needless to say, I immediately liked him.

His booming laugh and friendly nature aside, he was a great editor who didn’t take any crap from pampered columnists, was always focused on bulletproof accuracy, and took seriously his desk role to improve the quality of the paper whenever possible.

Talbert didn’t waste a moment in Toronto. He met and married Helen Collymore, and became a kind, generous and loving dad to Jasmine. He was a jolly fellow in every sense, but even if he wasn’t, he’d never let it show.

The last time I saw him in good health was in the concourse of the Air Canada Centre at halftime of a Raptors game, laughing, cracking wise about the opponent, just a bundle of fun.

I had left the Globe at that point, and we traded gossip about the old shop floor. Normally, this would involve running down a personal roster of bete noirs, but not with Talbert. He made it a point to speak well of everybody.

A few months later, he would be diagnosed with cancer. The prognosis for recovery was slim from the get-go, but he never let his sunny nature fade to pity, or even discomfort. There was absolutely nothing that could throw this guy off the positivity train.

I feel terrible for his family, and for his good friends Terry and Chris, who rallied to his side through many months of pain and disintegrating hopes.

I wish there were a lot more like him.

Chandlermania! "I've Wept Over This"

2007-12-03T22:32:00.000-05:00

Special Ed Stelmach has decided there is no room for Craig Chandler and homophobic demagoguery and shady political racketeering in the Alberta Progressive Conservative Party.

Stelmach and the PC star chamber snuffed out the hopes and dreams of the tubby bitch this weekend when they overturned Chandler’s nomination in Calgary-Egmont to hold the PC flag in the next election.

This is two weeks after Chandler won the nomination, by a 2-to-1 margin over his nearest rival. This qualifies as a lightning-fast reaction in the world of Special Ed.

Stelmach’s decision was never in doubt. The Premier’s Office, via the doltish maw of press secretary Tom Olsen, had already indicated that Chandler isn’t their cup of tea. “The Premier won’t tolerate intolerance,” said Olsen, probably thinking that was a clever line.

Chandler is a special kind of jerk, the kind I once thought you could only find elected to some backwoods Kentucky school board preaching the force-feeding of Intelligent Design in the classroom and ripping the Theory of Evolution out of science textbooks. If elected, even as dogcatcher, he will embarrass his office, his family, his province and his country to score a headline. He would make Stockwell Day look like a great statesman. He would make Ralph Klein look like Abraham Frickin’ Lincoln.

Having said that, Chandler won fair and square. Flushing him turns him into a frightening martyr he doesn’t deserve to be. Instead of forever being known as the crazy bigot he is, he’ll be known as that poor guy who was bounced by a bunch of blue-hair party elites subverting the democratic will of riding members.

To the best of my knowledge, the two opponents Chandler beat – whipped, really – have not alleged any wrongdoing or corruption in the race. If that was the case, Special Ed would have credible grounds to call another nomination.

And it was not as though Chandler snuck in through the back door at midnight with 1,000-plus supporters. The guy does nothing quietly.

Special Ed’s Calgary handlers should have seen this trainwreck coming months before the nomination meeting, and taken steps to promote a moderate candidate, or declare Chandler unfit for his party's nomination based on his long record of vicious bigotry.

If Chandler ’s well-known views and statements were so hard to stomach, why didn’t the party submit him to a candidate-evaluation process, which is their right? Stephen Harper’s federal Conservatives could offer some insight on this. Their evaluation bodies are snuffing out candidates on the flimsiest grounds, including being on the losing end of too many previous elections.

So if you’re sick of Chandler now, he’s just getting started. Here’s a taste.

From The Globe:

"I see social conservatives looking for a home. We are people, too."

From The Canadian Press:

“Chandler said he felt like the clock had been turned back 50 years and he was being grilled in front of the anti-communist hearings in the U.S. led by Sen. Joseph McCarthy.

‘(They asked) “Are you a right-winger? Are you a social conservative? Do you believe in Jesus Christ?”’

He used the word ‘Christ-o-phobic’ at one point …”

From The Sun:

"I don't know if President Nixon with Watergate went through as much detail on their private life…I got kicked in the teeth. At 37, I'll outlive half that room…I've wept over this in the past week but I'm not exactly a person that's going to take this lying down."

Stock-oholic

2007-11-19T07:32:00.000-05:00

Speaking of right-wing nutcases, Chandler prototype Stockwell Day went way off-message yesterday, saying that the Taser-torture death of a Polish man at the hands of the RCMP was no biggie.

From the Canadian Press:

`Where's the shock and horror' for road crime, asks minister of public safety after Taser death in B.C.

KELOWNA, B.C.–Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day says he wishes Canadians were as outraged over impaired driving deaths as they are over the death of a Polish immigrant shot with a Taser by police.

Worldwide condemnation has been heaped upon Canadian authorities after a video was released showing RCMP officers using a stun gun on Robert Dziekanski only 30 seconds after encountering him at the Vancouver airport last month. The 40-year-old man died shortly after.

Day has refused to comment about the Vancouver incident, saying he wanted to wait until various investigations and reviews are complete, including one he ordered four days after the death.

The minister told a crowd in the B.C. Interior on Saturday that Dziekanski's death was "tragic."

"Quite rightly, the whole nation is aghast.... One person was killed who didn't have to be killed," said Day, MP for Okanagan-Coquihalla.

But he says drunk-driving accidents also claim the lives of fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters and other loved ones, "and where's the shock and horror?"

The Tories introduced new legislation last month that would see harsher fines and sentences for impaired drivers and give police more powers for roadside testing...

So, Canada, no need to worry about the increasing propensity of law enforcement to employ torture devices to keep you in line. Stock's got your back.

Chandler Victorious!

2007-11-19T07:15:00.000-05:00

Add Craig Chandler to the list of unhinged and unbrained whose nomination papers must be signed by Special Ed Stelmach. Apparently, it wasn't even close, with Chandler vanquishing his nearest rival by a 2-to-1 margin.

Daveberta and Calgary Grit do justice to the Man From Egmont. Entertaining stuff.

Craig Chandler Lives!

2007-11-15T21:22:00.000-05:00

The gay-hatin', Jesus-lovin', unite-the-rightin', political-racketeerin' tough guy wants to be an Alberta MLA. (You must watch the video. The dude would be right at home in a David Lynch film.)

Hell, if I was in Calgary on Nov. 17, I'd buy a PC membership and vote for the tubby bitch myself.

Only 25 More Sleeps...

2007-11-05T21:19:00.000-05:00

...till Lord Black wiggles into his orange jumpsuit and Barbara Amiel gets down to sniffing around for another mealticket. The rich really are different from us.

The Accountability Party: The Don't-Let-The-Door-Hit-You-On-The-Way-Out Edition

2007-11-04T22:05:00.003-05:00

Two Conservative candidates have their candidacies snuffed out by mysterious party chieftains.

Yet Rob Anders lives to fight another day.

Release The Hounds

2007-11-02T09:11:00.001-05:00

Canada's Greatest Perjurer has unleashed the fury of his legal team on the easy libel-chill targets. Sounds like another convicted felon you may have heard of.

From the Chronicle Herald:

Brian Mulroney has written a letter to Robert Thibault asking him to correct the record after the West Nova MP made comments about the $300,000 the former prime minister received from businessman Karlheinz Schreiber after he left office...

...Mr. Thibault is calling for a public inquiry into the so-called Airbus affair, after recent revelations that Mr. Mulroney did not pay taxes on the cash payments from Mr. Schreiber until years later....

...The letter from Mr. Mulroney’s lawyer to Mr. Thibault does not threaten legal action but asks the MP to retract "false statements" made on Mike Duffy Live.

The letter did not discourage Mr. Thibault from talking Thursday. He again asked about the issue in question period and later talked to reporters outside the House.

Personally, as much as I shiver with anticipation at the prospect of Mulroney's daily waterboarding at a public inquiry, I think it would be an exercise in enriching lawyers.

I propose a far more cost-effective solution to achieve justice.

First, Crown Prosecutors should open an investigation into whether Mulroney perjured himself or obstructed justice when he sued the federal government in 1995 in relation to a fraud investigation, in which Mulroney claimed no business relationship with German arms dealer and legendary fraudster Karlheinz Schreiber.

Second, even if criminal charges aren't forthcoming in the above scenario, the federal government should launch a court action to recoup the $2.1 million Mulroney was paid to settle his lawsuit based on his false claims about his relationship with Schreiber.

Every time I return to Canada and fill out one of those Canada Border Services cards on the airplane, Canada Revenue Agency is pretty clear when stating it is illegal to bring over $10,000 in cash without declaring it. So thirdly, the Canada Border Services Agency and Canada Revenue Agency should assess a stiff penalty since Mulroney obviously did not declare the $300,000 that Schreiber delivered to him while outside Canada.

Fourthly, every corporation should be embarrassed and humiliated to have such a low-grade hustler as Mulroney on their board.

This includes Barrick Gold Corporation, Archer Daniels Midland Company, Wyndham Worldwide Corporation, The Blackstone Group, Independent News and Media, Quebecor Inc., Quebecor World Inc., Forbes International and Persona Communications (the last three of which he is chairman).

I can't imagine Mulroney's colleagues on the advisory councils of the China International Trust and Investment Corp., J.P. Morgan Chase & Co., Lion Capital, The World Trade Center Memorial Foundation, or the Council on Foreign Relations would want him scarfing back hors d'oeuvres in their company these days.

Fifthly, if found guilty of misleading the courts, it should be a no-brainer that Mulroney be asked, politely, to return his Companion of the Order of Canada award, as well as his Ordre national du Quebec award.

Sixthly, and this is just rubbing in the humiliation, Mulroney should pay for a series of full-page newspaper advertisements to run across the country. The ads would contain a contrite apology to Stevie Cameron.

And the ironic thing: If Mulroney hadn't saddled up his high horse about that famous RCMP letter to Swiss banking authorities in 1995, all this commotion would never have happened. A brilliant strategist indeed.

News Flash! Mulroney Lied; Still Unindicted

2007-10-31T06:57:00.000-05:00

Canada's Greatest Perjurer, Stephen Harper's BFF and collector of stuffed brown envelopes is going to have a very bad Halloween.

Tonight, the CBC's Fifth Estate is airing the latest instalment of its excellent chronicle of Brian Mulroney's long and seedy love affair-gone-bad with German fraudster Karlheinz Schreiber. If you were hoping to read about it in his memoirs, you'd be out of luck.

The Globe gives us a little taste:

TORONTO — Former prime minister Brian Mulroney, who received $300,000 in cash from German-Canadian deal maker Karlheinz Schreiber in 1993 and 1994, did not pay taxes on the payments in the years he received the money.

The former prime minister filed a voluntary tax disclosure some time later, The Globe and Mail and CBC's the fifth estate have learned, an option that the Canada Revenue Agency offers for people who have previously filed inaccurate returns and subsequently decide to correct the record. Mr. Mulroney had declined to say when he paid taxes on the cash Mr. Schreiber handed over to him in hotels in Montreal and New York over a 19-month period...

Disaster Befalls Oilpatch; Stocks Rise On News Of The Great Ed Stelmach Royalty Bitch-out

2007-10-27T14:10:00.000-05:00

The Alberta oilpatch watched its market value crumble into fairy dust on stock markets yesterday in the wake of Premier Ed Stelmach's announcement he would dilly dally in his usual half-witted fashion until 2009 on extracting a fair value in return for the Crown’s natural resources.

Canadian Natural Resources was shellacked by the market, its share price rising by $.85 to $77.02.

Husky Energy also took it on the chin, watching its share price go up $.80 to $43.60.

But that was nothing compared to the utter devastation investors inflicted on Suncor (down $.14 to $102.61), Talisman Energy (down $.08 to $19.53) and EnCana Corp. (down $.16 to $64.25). All in all, the declines averaged out to less than 1% of pre-announcement share prices.

It’s 1929 all over again, can’t you see! The sidewalks of 5th Avenue should be running red with the blood and splattered organs of suicidal oilpatch executives watching the value of their options blow away like so many farts in the wind.

The disaster hardly came as a surprise to the oil industry and its Hill & Knowlton-sponsored Astroturf coalition. (Remember the Kuwaiti babies being killed by Iraqi troops in their incubators? That was H&K's brilliant idea.)

The brilliant sages of the patch had warned of a Katrina-like economic disaster if their demands weren’t followed to the letter. Presumably, they will now pack up their Rolls Royces and Bentleys and take their exploration and extraction ingenuity to the stable, uncorrupted and socially cohesive economic climates of Nigeria and Sudan. Can’t wait to see how that turns out.

And what’s up with the Financial Post? I know it’s the official house organ of corporate boosterism, but this column is so ridiculously felating that it would embarrass Diane Francis. I hope Alan Boras paid full freight for this ad.

Party of Principle: NDP Douchebaggery Blows Through Swift Current

2007-10-24T23:03:00.000-05:00

Class act, this Jeff Potts fellow. Right up there with Marilyn Churley.

To Lorne Calvert’s credit, he at least made sure this piece of garbage won’t have a chance to pollute the Saskabush Ledge, no matter how long the odds. I’m sure the Ontario Dippers will make room for him. He’s their kinda guy.

Over to you, Babble. Let the equivocation begin!

NDP candidate withdraws after 'inappropriate' comments
CanWest News Service

REGINA - On the urging of Saskatchewan Premier Lorne Calvert, the NDP's candidate in Swift Current, Sask., has stepped down after making questionable comments about Saskatchewan Party Leader Brad Wall and his father.

According to a press release issued Monday from the NDP, Jeff Potts has withdrawn from the race after admitting to making comments that Saskatchewan New Democrats deemed "inaccurate and inappropriate."

Potts, who was running against Wall for the seat in Swift Current - about 250 kilometres west of Regina - confirmed he wrote on rabble.ca's discussion forum under the name Famouspipeliner.

In discussing the Saskatchewan election on the forum, Potts wrote on Oct. 15 that Wall's father John, a Swift Current city councillor who owns some low-rent properties in the city, was putting his son's campaign signs on the rental properties.

About 10 hours later, Potts followed up with this post: "Further to my previous point, there is a Brad Wall sign (rental property) on a known crack house."

The Saskatchewan Party called the comments libellous and urged Calvert to immediately dump Potts as an NDP candidate.

In an interview Monday before his resignation, Potts said he was not inferring the alleged crack house was owned by Wall's father and pointed out the blog posts were made several hours apart.

"I did not allege that it was Mr. Wall's property... I did not say they had any knowledge of what was going on in this house," Potts said.

"What I am saying is they are more concerned about putting up the sign than they are about the people living in the house. They should check before putting up the signs on the rental properties. Maybe they should check with the people who are renting them."

According to a Saskatchewan Party news release, John Wall does not currently own any rental properties - a fact of which Potts said he was not aware. Potts said he had no intention of linking the two posts, and was just trying to raise the issues of affordable rental properties and drug abuse in Swift Current.

Name That Mediocrity: We Have A Winner!

2007-10-22T12:41:00.001-05:00

James from Burlington correctly answers the Tail trivia question: Who was the Liberal candidate who was handed his very large ass by Gilles Duceppe in the 1990 Laurier-Sainte-Marie byelection to replace Jean-Claude Malépart?

The answer is none other than career charlatan, cabinet mediocrity, minor Sponsorship scandal figure, clumsy Judas, alleged libelist and supposed Voice Of Quebec(TM) Denis Coderre, the Liberal Party's answer to Conservative tubby bitch Jason Kenney.

Here's how it looked on election night, Aug. 13, 1990:

Independent Gilles Duceppe 16,818 (67%)*
Liberal Denis Coderre 4,812 (19%)
NDP Louise O'Neill 1,821 (7%)
PC Christian Fortin 1,120 (4%)
Green Michel Szabo 395 (2%)
(*The byelection was called before the Bloc Québécois could officially register with Elections Canada)

Here's what Coderre frittered away, from the November, 1988, federal election:

Liberal Jean-Claude Malépart 15,956 (39%)
PC Charles Hamelin 12,113 (30%)
NDP François Beaulne 8,828 (21%)
Rhinoceros Sonia Chatouille Coté 2,121 (5%)
Green Philippe Champagne 1,438 (3%)

Wow. 11,000 votes and 20 percentage points, flushed into the St. Lawrence River. It wasn't until 1997 when the unsuspecting riding of Bourassa elevated Coderre to the House of Commons.

Runner-up Pumpernickel from Ottawa recounts canvassing in the byelection with the ambitious young Coderre, who brashly stated at the doorsteps "I'm here to replace Jean-Claude Malépart." Classy. Bet he wondered why he lost, too.

Anyway, James, an SFH prize pack is in the mail. Turn it up to 11.

Outre-what?

2007-10-16T23:13:00.000-05:00

It’s nearly a month since the Outremont byelection, and every moron in Ottawa from Keith Boag on up has weighed in on the Death of the Liberal Party (TM). The best thing about the byelection is that it brought Andrew Coyne out of hibernation.

In all the jubilation, the propellerheads of the wankosphere and the anonymous coward wing of Liberal Party in Quebec forgot to mention the Laurier-Sainte-Marie effect.

The story goes like this: Laurier-Saine-Marie had been a Liberal bastion since Christ was a cowboy, but became vacant in 1990 after the death of long-time MP Jean-Claude Malepart. The byelection was called for August 13, 1990, two months after Jean Chretien was elected Liberal leader.

Oh, I can tell I'm boring you. Let's see what the reigning howling shrew of the Parliamentary Press Gallery circa 1990, Marjorie Nichols, had to say about it.

Byelection spells disaster for Chretien
The Ottawa Citizen
Tuesday, August 14, 1990
Column: THE NATION; MARJORIE NICHOLS
The humiliating defeat of the federal Liberal party in Montreal and of the federal Tories in Oshawa in Monday's two federal byelections has turned this country's political ouija board upside down.
By a stunning margin, voters in the Quebec riding of Laurier Sainte-Marie rejected all three federalist parties and elected a Quebec sovereignist.
The defeat was especially humiliating for Jean Chretien, the new Liberal leader and the man who would be the next prime minister.
While the country was braced for a backlash from nationalist forces in Quebec , this rout raises the prospect of an apprehended electoral revolution.
The victory by Bloc Quebecois candidate Gilles Duceppe confirms that support for some form of Quebec sovereignty is now a reality with which the entire country must deal.
But the biggest single loser in Monday night's Quebec byelection was clearly Chretien.
Without solid support in Quebec, it is exceedingly doubtful that Chretien will ever be prime minister.
By a stunning four to one margin, the voters of Laurier Sainte-Marie rejected Chretien and the Liberal party that has represented this working class Montreal riding in Parliament for the last two decades.
...In the federal election of 1988 in Laurier Sainte-Marie, the Liberals received 39 per cent of the popular vote, the Conservatives 30 per cent and the New Democrats 22. The Liberals were decimated Monday night along with the Tories, receiving 19 and four per cent respectively.
These humiliating, even embarrassing byelection defeats for Canada's two leading political parties and their leaders cannot be rationalized as typical protest votes.
Remember the date: Aug. 13, 1990. The country may never be the same.

Wow. Can you believe this shit used to pass as analysis in the nation's dead trees. Indeed, I can believe it, because it still passes as analysis. What happens up there in Ottawa? Do you have to leave your freaking brain in Stittsville before they let you in?

I'm preventing from going further into full conniption, mostly because Nichols is now dead, and you know what they say about speaking ill, and I'm already going to hell.

But I can't let this go without a trivia contest.

Who was the Liberal candidate who had his ass whipped by Duceppe in that 1990 byelection that was supposed to snuff out the ambitions of Jean Chretien?

Email your answers to derekraymaker [AT] gmail.com. First correct answer wins a Shit From Hell t-shirt and limited edition debut CD. It will make your neighbours hate you forever.

Western Standard: No Great Loss

2007-10-16T22:53:00.000-05:00

More evidence of Conrad Black’s dwindling lucre is seen in the closure of the Western Standard. The convicted felon was fond of bankrolling his mini-me Ezra Levant’s birdcage liner, as indicated by Levant’s frequent trips to Toronto, sweaty palms extended, begging the Dark Lord for yet another wad of booty pilfered from Hollinger investors.

Now that Black is stranded in Chicago, Levant’s sugardaddy is all dried up, a few weeks out from becoming a guest of the Stars and Stripes forever.

As with all of Levant’s projects, the Stunned Herd was a failure in every sense, but especially the business sense. So much for the vaunted business acumen of the libertarian class.

I hear that he is blaming the debacle on his decision to reprint the infamous Danish cartoons of the prophet Muhammad. Levant claims his courageous decision to publish what were simple-minded and openly racist depictions also scared away advertisers fearful of Taliban retribution. But that hardly explains the long history of failure of crackpot right-wing sophistry in the print form in Alberta.

One of the few talents to be found on the pages of the Standard, Colby Cosh, has a good chronicle of the ups and downs but mostly downs of the magazine, including how the skinflint Levant appears to be in the process of stiffing his long-suffering serfs. Though not as badly as the Standard’s nutjob predecessor, the Alberta Report, screwed over Christian soldiers when it went tits up. This is in addition to the Report’s long history of paying writers, illustrators, editors, secretaries, and custodial staff below the minimum wage. It was all in the service of God, apparently.

So the Report-Standard business model can’t pull a modest profit, in booming Alberta, even while ripping off the help. Chalk up another victory for unharnessed capitalism.

Dear Internet Machine: Did You Miss Me?

2007-10-16T22:48:00.000-05:00

I sure missed you. My apologies for the long absence, but it was necessitated by a) a long-overdue Italian holiday with my No. 1 gal, and b) an eruption of anonymous NDP douchebaggery. All is well.

On a sad note, I’ve had to tighten up the Tail community to disallow anonymous posting. The magnetic qualities this interweb machine holds for the curs and cowards of the world knows no bounds. My deepest apologies. If you want to complain, talk to this jerkoff.

Now, let's cuddle.

Here's Something You Won't Find On Bourque's Headline Whorehouse

2007-10-12T13:54:00.000-05:00

O'Brien bribery probe reaches PM's inner circle

Gary Dimmock
The Ottawa Citizen

A political aide to a Tory MP has told police that Mayor Larry O'Brien's 2006 campaign team was secretly working on a plan to offer Terry Kilrea "something" to drop out of last year's mayoral race, and that the unspecified offer was "in the works" through Doug Finley, the campaign director for the Conservative Party of Canada.

Mr. O'Brien is the subject of an Ontario Provincial Police bribery investigation launched March 27 following an investigative report in the Citizen that documented two meetings -- including one in the parking lot behind a Tim Hortons -- between the mayor and Mr. Kilrea, who alleged that Mr. O'Brien offered him up to $30,000 and help to get a federal appointment if he bowed out of last year's mayoral race.

In a recorded statement to detectives on April 18, at 1:06 p.m., John Light, an aide to Nepean-Carleton MP Pierre Poilievre, said he got a call last year from Greg Strong, a former vice-president at Calian, a staffing-services firm founded by Mr. O'Brien.

According to his police statement, Mr. Light said he was asked by Mr. O'Brien's team to manage the 2006 campaign. He responded that he was flattered, but said he'd rather work on Mr. Kilrea's campaign.

The OPP executive summary of Mr. Light's recorded interview notes: "Strong replied not to worry, as Kilrea is being taken care of and that he is going to be offered something. Strong said that there was something in the works and that he couldn't tell anyone about it and they were working through Doug Finlay(sic) who was the Campaign Chair for the Conservative Party."

Ryan Sparrow, the communications manager for the Conservative Party of Canada, yesterday said: "Mr. Finley has never been in touch with either of the people in question (John Light and Greg Strong) and in fact has never even heard of them.

"These allegations are absolute fiction and completely untrue," Mr. Sparrow said in a statement to the Citizen.

Mr. Strong, the founder of the Curam Group, a public relations firm, told the Citizen yesterday he had "no knowledge" of any of the conversations documented in the bribery investigation report.

Mr. Light told the Citizen yesterday: "That's my testimony."

Mr. O'Brien has declined to comment on the bribery case against him. In a Jan. 12 interview, Mr. O'Brien said he never said or did anything inappropriate. He acknowledged that he spoke to Mr. Kilrea about his rival's out-of-pocket campaign expenses and added that he talked to his lawyer about what he could and couldn't do to entice someone out of a political campaign.

At the request and expense of the Citizen, Mr. Kilrea swore to his allegations in an affidavit, and later passed a polygraph about its contents.

Mr. Kilrea also admitted that Mr. O'Brien's alleged offer was so "tempting" that he sat on it for 25 days before turning it down in the parking lot behind a Tim Hortons.

In a May 1 interview with police, Tim Tierney, a Kilrea campaign worker, said he was aware of the parking lot meeting, and said: "Kilrea said that O'Brien had told him that he was 'going to ratfuck you' after learning that Kilrea was declining his offer and supporting (Bob) Chiarelli (a 2006 mayoral candidate)."

In statements to OPP detectives, Mr. Light also revealed that the mayor's niece, Heather Tessier, said "that Larry O'Brien was calling Kilrea every day pressuring him."

"Heather Tessier told (Mr. Light) that O'Brien had offered to pay his (campaign) expenses."

According to the OPP documents, formally called an information to obtain a search warrant, the police, under a heading titled "Grounds to believe an offence has been committed," wrote: "It is clear that Larry O'Brien made attempts to see what influence he had, if any, to have Terry Kilrea's name put forward for the National Parole Board appointment.

"The fact that Terry Kilrea emailed John Baird (then Treasury Board president) directly following their meeting to address the issue indicates the subject was discussed."

In May, the Citizen featured the e-mail correspondence. The OPP later got a search warrant and seized them as evidence in their criminal investigation against the mayor.

The May 29 information to obtain a search warrant also states: "It is clear that Larry O'Brien was making every best effort to ascertain whether or not he could facilitate this appointment."

Mr. Light, according to the executive summary of his interview with the OPP's anti-rackets unit, said that Tom Bennett, a Conservative fundraiser, told him: "You don't have to worry about (Kilrea) because they're working on something."

In a recorded May 1 police interview, Mr. Tierney told detectives: "Heather Tessier (the mayor's niece and former executive assistant) said that Terry Kilrea had been offered some really good things. Tierney stated that Tessier didn't know about the money but she mentioned that she knew about the National Parole Board (appointment)."

In the police documents, Det. Sgt. Brian Mason cited two suspected offences under Section 125 of the Criminal Code: Influencing or negotiating appointments or dealing in offices. The search warrant specifies that police are investigating whether: "... Larry O'Brien, between the 01st of July 2006 and the 31st of August 2006 did in the expectation of a benefit of $30,000 solicit the resignation of Terry Kilrea from the City of Ottawa Mayoral race of 2006 contrary to section 125 (b) of the Criminal Code."

The warrant also outlines the police theory for another suspected offence under investigation: "That Larry O'Brien, between the 01st of July 2006 and the 31st of August 2006 did procure to be given to Terry Kilrea a reward of an appointment to the National Parole Board as consideration for the co-operation by Terry Kilrea to withdraw from the 2006 City of Ottawa Mayoral race which would improve Larry O'Brien's chances of winning the election contrary to section 125 (a) of the Criminal Code."

Not Dead Yet

2007-08-17T15:34:00.000-05:00

To all my loyal readers, especially my many new fans at CUPE headquarters:

The Tail is officially on vacation in sunny Italia, currently Sicily, nestled into the slopes of Mount Etna. Belly is expanding at an alarming rate. The transportation system seems to have been outsourced to Rogers Customer Service. It doesn't even help when I berate the clerk and inform them that I'm a close personal friend of Joe Volpe. But Ms. Tail, who is the only one of our dynamic duo trained in the dark art of standard transmission, has rented us a car, so we've traded in train stations for the white-knuckle thrills of mountain roads and the Autostradde.

This is all to say that blogging is completely, totally pointless when having this much fun. So see you in a couple of weeks when I'm back in the T-dot.

For Those Of You Who Thought Slavery Had Been Abolished

2007-08-05T21:34:00.000-05:00

It turns out that indentured servitude is alive and well in the music industry.

Prospect magazine has a great article summarizing the decade of incompetence and greed that has been the hallmark of the entertainment conglomerates' during the rise of file-sharing and music downloading.

Having successfully canabalized themselves, the major music labels have taken to forcing the talent to hand over a portion of their touring income. Britpop pretty boy Robbie Williams bent over for EMI when these terms were dictated during his contract renewal in 2002.

Let's get this straight. Touring is supposed to sell more albums. The labels, in theory, are major beneficiaries of an band's live shows through CD sales. Furthermore, they have nothing to do with the tour, in the sense of sharing the economic risk. If the tour stiffs, do you think the major labels will allow themselve to get burnt. The band and the promoter will eat the loss.

These guys kill me. They really think they have some kind of domineering effect over the marketplace, when in fact they're having less and less every day. Why Williams or any other established talent would agree to these terms is beyond me.

I can imagine how the pitch went:

"Okay guys, I know you're selling less CDs, and it's all your fault. You really should have warned us that your core audience got their music from iTunes and haven't purchased a real CD in three years.

But hey, we're a team, so I'm gonna cut you a break. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to re-sign you to a three-album deal, and we're going to spend even less to promote it, because you're a little past your prime, ya know. But instead, we're going to take 30 per cent of your touring revenue, including an additional 15 per cent of all merchandising sales.

On top of that, you're going to sign over to us an increased publishing royalty take on your existing song catalogue, so we can whore your songs out to commercials and video games and grow rich.

Oh, and you know that hotshot producer we foisted on you for the last album that stiffed. Well, he sent us the bill. I know he completely misiniterpreted your music, and was high on coke most of the time, and pulled a .38 on your singer a couple of times, but hey, that $100,000 fee, somebody has to pay it, so we're going to charge it against your advance for this new deal.

Oh, you have 48 hours to sign and fax it over, and I know it's the Friday of a long weekend, but I'm sure your lawyer has seen millions of contracts like this, it's really quite straightforward. We're really going to take it to the next level this time. Love the knew songs. Call me the next time you're out in L.A. Who loves ya baby?"

Who falls for this shit any more?

Dennis Bueckert

2007-08-03T22:44:00.000-05:00

Prior to his death this week, Canadian Press's science and environment reporter Dennis Bueckert probably forgot more about environmental issues than Elizabeth May and Jack Layton will ever know for certain. He was not about scoring petty headlines, but about really, truly informing the public about the things that mattered.

It says a lot about the current state of the Parliamentary Press Gallery that Bueckert hardly ever piddled around a scrum, but could break a half-dozen stories a week just by digging through documents and hearings. The old-fashioned way, as they say. One such story was his uncovering the Hepatitis-C and HIV infections through mismanagement of the country's blood-bank system. He literally saved lives, lots of them. Not many journalists can make that claim.

Bueckert was a kind and generous man. When I first met him, it was to ask him to run a workshop on environmental reporting for a bunch of university newspaper geeks back in the 1980s. He did so gladly. After his official duties were completed, he hung around for hours, offering moral support and story tips to a bunch of people he hardly knew. He would happily be available to offer wise counsel whenever his telephone happened to ring. Even on deadline.

That there is an environment beat in Canadian journalism is in no small part due to his diligence and drive in making complicated issues relevant to the broad public.

I’d heard through the grapevine that the last few years had not been kind to Bueckert, having endured the downward spiral and death of his daughter. I always felt I should drop him a line to tell him to keep his chin up. I’m feeling terrible today that I never got around to it.

8 Random Facts

2007-07-30T21:04:00.000-05:00

My main man in Capital City, Pumpernickel, tagged me for 8 random facts about myself a while back. Apologies to him and all those in the wankosphere awaiting my true confessions. I'm sure it was worth the wait.

1) My mother was betting on chuckwagon races at the Calgary Stampede when she went into labour with me. I am told she was on a major winning streak and wasn't too pleased with my timing, though I've been unable to verify.

2) I rode a bicycle from Calgary to Vancouver when I was 14, along with my dad and my brother.

3) I suffer from gout.

4) I nearly got in an elevator scrap with former MP and disbarred lawyer Mary Clancy. She attacked me for my lack of revolving door etiquette. I'm glad we didn't. She would have kicked my ass.

5) My first concert was The Stray Cats at the Stampede Corral. Brian Setzer was wasted, but he could sure swing an axe.

6) I've been hit by an 80-year-old driver while riding my bike...twice.

7) I'm quoted as an authority of Canadian film in a Serbian textbook on foreign filmmaking.

8) I make the best sangria in the world.

In accordance with my obligations under the International Tagging Treaty, I tag: Daveberta, Sooey, Jody and Cunningham.

Tories' Talladega Nightmare Continues

2007-07-23T13:40:00.000-05:00

Auto-racing sensation Pierre Dourque dropped from 24th to 25th in the Canadian Tire NASCAR standings last weekend after another lollygagging-granny performance in the Edmonton Grand Prix.

The slimiest headline ho' in all of Internetdom sputtered to a 17th-place finish in his aptly named Conservative Party Dodge, out of 25 drivers who finished the race.

Bourque Asleep At The Switch...Again

2007-07-13T15:24:00.000-05:00

It's now 4:25 EST, about 4 1/2 hours after the guilty verdict was read to convicted felon Conrad Black. But you wouldn't know it if you went to Bourque Newswatch and Brothel.

The top story is stale old filler: the U.S. Department of Homeland Security claiming Canada is a haven for terrorists.

You'd think think that with all the money he is raking in extorting cash from political parties in return for glowing headlines, Pierre Bourque could at least hire some schlep to keep refreshing Google News and update his cutting-edge site once every 90 minutes or so.

Is that too much to ask from the guy whose supposed to be Canada's most important online "journalist?" Apparently so.

Lord Black of Cell Block No. 9

2007-07-13T11:39:00.001-05:00

I must admit I didn't think Conrad Black would be found guilty. That's not to say I didn't think he was guilty. I just didn't think the prosecution team delivered a stunningly effective case supporting any the main charges of fraud and obstruction of justice. I also thought the decision to hang the whole case on the testimony of a serial sociopath like David Radler was a strategic blunder.

Something tells me that every member of the Chicago jury has been swindled out of a few dineros by some arrogant blowhard at some point in their life, and so Conrad Black would be the guy to cash their vengeance cheque. Payback is a bitch.

Racing To The Bottom

2007-07-12T16:32:00.000-05:00

Apropos of nothing, I see Canadian NASCAR Series driving sensation Pierre Bourque is 24th in the standings in his Conservative Party Dodge....out of 31.

Doesn't look like the low-rent Drudge knockoff will stop selling headlines to the Harper scumbagocracy any time soon.

This Veek In Ze Verner

2007-07-09T10:08:00.000-05:00

Our man Ze Verner Patels comes out supporting violent mob-driven racist pogroms against Muslims in Scotland. Always a class act. No doubt next week Ze Verner will thrill the blogging world with a call for concentration camps to warehouse the brown people occupying our Aryan shores.

From Alberta Spectator:

The Scots take matters into their own hands
There have been 38 attacks on Muslims in Glasgow since the failed terror attack at Glasgow airport. Leave it to the Scots to clean house without waiting for government to act. They'll make it as uncomfortable for those Islamist idiots as possible -- hopefully they'll get the message and move back to the sand dune they came from.

Tagged Tail: 5 Greatest Canadian Songs Ever

2007-06-26T19:01:00.000-05:00

Here at Tail Central, we receive lots of mail, and not all of it life-threatening. In the runup to Canada Day comes this tag:

Dear Mr. Tail,

I know you get off on all that by-election stuff. But I'd like to hear your pith and wit on other topics too. Like: "What are the five greatest Canadian songs ever?"

You've been tagged, Tail.
Mademoiselle Mojito

Well, my rum-loving Cubaphile, glad you asked. I'm probably dating myself, but I don't care. Counting down, here goes:

5) "Letter From An Occupant" by The New Pornographers: This is a beautifully heaving track on the NP's 2000 album Mass Romantic, and that is saying something because every track is solid gold. Led by Carl Newman and made up of prominent Vancouver musicians on leave from their regular gigs to record what they probably thought would be a one-off album, the NPs established a new mold for up-tempo, highly orchestrated, tension-filled pop harmonies. And the one-off is about to release their fourth album in August. "Occupant" starts out as a restless breakup song, but builds into a rollicking, intense longing for meaning set against a pulsing melody and anthemic chorus.

4) "Livin' On Top" by Jerry Jerry and the Sons of Rhythym Orchestra: This band started out as a punk-rockabilly operation in Edmonton known for chaotic and memorable tavern shows in the mid 1980s. In spite of a revolving-door lineup, a suspect work ethic and fondness for ale, the band was an influential force among western Canadian indie rockers and college radio announcers. Singer Jerry (Woods) Jerry relocated to Montreal in the late 80s for more than a decade before moving back to Edmonton. He's a great songwriter with a gift for elevating losers into heroes and wickedly funny one-liners. "Livin' On Top" is a fantastic twangy sing-along revelling in the quiet dignity of Canadiana and cable TV. It will bring out the patriot in you. It's hard to find, but if you like the vinyl, look for Road Gore: The Band That Drank Too Much in finer yard sales. Every couple of years, the band reunites in Edmonton for a series of live shows, and by all accounts, are still a bartenders' nightmare.

3) "Black Corvair" by Color Me Psycho: This song appeared on a wonderful five-volume compilation of mid-to-late-80s indie rock called It Came From Canada on Og Records (as did several Jerry Jerry tracks). If someone wants to serve their country selflessly, they should re-releas the ICFC series on CD. CMP was a Calgary band of first-generation punk rockers who dove in to goth and horror movie themes once at art school. That's not normally my bag, but CMP kept it tight with hard-driving bluesy and surfy guitar melodies and weren't afraid to kick out heavy organs. The result was mayhem, in the good way. Black Corvair is a classic car song, but it will pop your needle in the red instantly. CMP's driving force, Tom Bagley, carries on with the on-again, off-again Forbidden Dimension, which is currently on again, sort of.

2) "Edmonton" by Carolyn Mark: Victoria's Carolyn Mark has been slugging it out as a indie performer since the mid 1990s with The Vinaigrettes. This song is on her first solo record, 2000's Party Girl, and tells the story of middling fame, a fateful binge, cross-border vehicle searches, and an unspoken crush rooted in an Edmonton bar. It's epic Canadiana, sprinkled with generous bits of Mark's tart wit. Anybody who knows me knows that I view Mark as criminally overlooked, as a performer and a songwriter. Her work is readily accessible at your nearest record monger and you can find her on tour at least eight months out of the year. Check out the link under her name on your right, and you can thank me later.

1) "King of Spain" by Moxy Fruvous:...Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.

1) "Canadian Railroad Trilogy" by Gordon Lightfoot: Commissioned by the CBC and first played on air on the first day of the Centennial year, this song stirs me in mysterious ways. When was the last time the CBC was that far ahead of the curve? You'd have to go back to the King of Kensington, I think. Ostensibly the story of the building of the Canadian Pacific Railroad, the Trilogy is an exhuberant musical aphorism of the best qualities of this country: Clumsy unity, courage, ambition, boundlessness, and a constant battle to rip free of the forces of mediocrity. Beats the hell out of "Patio Lanterns" any day. But if Lightfoot ever appears on Canadian Idol again, he's off the list...forever.

Honourable Mentions:

"Time to Get a Gun" by Fred Eaglesmith - Like it or not, isolation and redneckism is as much apart of the Canadian psyche as Medicare. Eaglesmith pays tribute to the complicated souls who see wisdom in a two-four.

"February" by Jim Bryson - Heavy on overdrive, Bryson strives defiantly to fend off the dread and emptiness that takes over the cruelest month.

"What Do You See?" by the Skydiggers - Cottage rock at its best. This probably won't be a big hit with your neighbours on the lake when played at full volume, but it is a beautifully surging road song meant to melt away the cloying chains of work.

"Till I Am Myself Again" by Blue Rodeo - For a country that has allowed its insecurities to get the best of it, this timeless anthem of a helpless man spinning his wheels in a ditch rings true.

"Barbra" by The Modernettes - Punk exhuberance and pop hooks blend together in a euphoric classic from the West Coast.

"Curling" by The Dik Van Dykes - This verse speaks for itself: "I don't want it/you can have it/curling is a filthy habit."

"Barney Rubble" by Hot Nasties/SFH - I'd be fired if I didn't mention this.

I tag: Christy Clark, Mike Miner, John Gushue, Warren Kinsella, Andrew Coyne

Byelection Fever

2007-06-19T21:25:00.000-05:00

Assuming everybody's had time to change their underpants, here are some thoughts on the Alberta byelections from the sweltering T-Dot, yo:

- The NDP, as I expected, are in disarray. They didn't even show up. Fifth place at 3% in Calgary Elbow. Seventh place at 1% in Drumheller-Stettler. Between the two races they couldn't even round up 500 votes total. This indicates that leftist voters who truly, madly, deeply loathe the PC government have decided that the yapping maw of Brian Mason and his gang of camera-hogging elflords are deader than Vaudeville and a wasted vote. There was no reason the NDP couldn't have pulled a respectable (for them) 6 to 8% in Elbow at least -- their province-wide poll numbers -- in a byelection that was all about the protest vote -- their historic strength.

Spies in Edmonton tell me that Mason, a sad little low-rent Buzz Hargrove knockoff, is struggling to keep his job as leader. Only problem is that two of his three fellow caucus members have already had their crack at the job. Neeeexxxxxt.

- The whackjob right of the Alberta Alliance are in disarray. This surprised me. This was their chance to shine, especially in Drumheller-Stettler, which is fertile ground for the closet separa-tits. Instead, the AA had their ass handed to them by the Social Credit, which came in third behind the PCs and Liberals. Yep...Social Freakin' Credit, a party run by octogenarians that finds it difficult to hang on to their official ballot status between elections. Actually, AA candidate David France came in fifth, behind an independent candidate. The same AA candidate polled second in the 2004 general election at 13.5%. In the byelection, France fell short of 5%.

- The Liberal candidate in Drumheller-Stettler, Tom Dooley, won the Town of Drumheller (pop. 7,932), carrying 6 of 8 polls. I can safely say I never thought I'd see that happen in my lifetime. Unfortunately, the Liberals got killed on the acreages in DS, bringing Dooley's vote to a grim 13.7%. And you know what they say about the building of Rome.

Keep in mind that Drumheller proper is Dooley's home turf, so take this conclusion with a grain of salt: There's a fury in the urban areas throughout Alberta at the current Premier. And by urban areas, I mean any town with a Husky truck stop serving breakfast and more than one municipal snowplow.

- The Bronco factor has been overstated in the extreme. That's shorthand for Calgary's demagogue mayor David Bronconnier. Throughout the campaign, Bronco stepped up his girl-fight with Alberta Premier Ed Stelmach over provincial funding of capital improvements. The Calgary news media reported breathlessly on every single dissing dished out by Bronco, and credited him with scoring an assist on the Liberal victory in Calgary Elbow. Fact is Bronco has been pulling this Danny Williams-screaming banshee routine pretty regularly since becoming mayor in 2001, to middling effect.

- Allan Gregg and Chantal Hebert are idiots (thanks to Cosh for sussing this out). The two CBC National political observers, gobsmacked with astonishment that Ralph Klein's seat went Liberal in the byelection, proceeded to talk out of their asses on national television about the history of Liberal provincial representation in Calgary. They claimed that Calgary hadn't elected a Liberal MLA in nearly 40 years (in fact, three were elected in the 2004 general election). The two obviously figured there was no need to run the basic fact-check before going before Mansbridge because, since it was Alberta, nobody cared. A little Wikipedia is a wonderful thing.

Attention Political Junkies: Make Sure You're Wearing Clean Underwear Tonight

2007-06-12T05:51:00.000-05:00

Brace yourself for the Calgary-Elbow provincial byelection tonight. It should be the beginning of the end of the longest reigning political dynasty in Canada at this date. The latest twist in this race came over the weekend. Instead of announcing a new hospital, as is the custom in byelection scares for the governing party, the PC candidate announced on the doorstep that he'd choke his boss, given the chance. A little off-message, I'd say.

Another brave prediction: The Alberta NDP, the slimiest Dipper incarnation in the country led by a hopeless Buzz Hargrove knockoff, will come in a respectable fifth in Elbow, behind the Greens, behind the crazy-ass western separatists.

There's even speculation that the Alberta PCs could be handed their asses in Drumheller-Stettler. If you had to do a science fair project on what makes otherwise smart people turn into conservative ideologues, all you'd have to do is drop them into this riding and watch them turn into drooling gun nuts. Personally, I don't think the Alberta Liberals can take this one AND Elbow, but I've been overly pessimistic before.

Dad with a tail is on the ground back in the big city with all the juicy gossip, along with the always top-notch CG and DB.

Petro-tyranny

2007-06-11T20:03:00.000-05:00

Alberta author Andrew Nikiforuk has a splendid rundown in today's Globe on how that black gold rots away democratic institutions with frightening efficiency. Even in Canada.

Hugo Chavez and Ralph Klein aren't that different after all.

Every day, the First Law of Petropolitics quietly insinuates its way into the nation's political blood like a rogue parasite. The law, first coined by New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman, posits that the price of oil and the quality of freedom invariably travel in opposite directions.

As the price of crude oil goes higher in an oil-dominated kingdom, the average citizen will experience, over time, less free speech, fewer free papers and a steady erosion of the rule of law. The reason, argues Mr. Friedman, is simple: Oil and gas regimes don't need to tax their citizens to survive because they can simply tax another tar sands project, so they really don't have to listen to their people either.

According to Mr. Friedman, the First Law astutely explains the emerging petro-tyrannies of Venezuela, Iran, Nigeria and Russia. But should Alberta and Canada be added to the list?

By any conservative definition Alberta is already a poster child for the First Law. The government now derives approximately 40 per cent of its income from oil and gas revenue and has been ruled as a one-party state for 36 years. It's no accident that Kevin Taft, the leader of Alberta's fledging Liberal Party, has just written a book about Canada's oil-soaked kingdom called Democracy Derailed . The derailing has seemingly erased distinctions between business and civic affairs. Within six months of quitting his job as Alberta's No. 1 honcho, Ralph Klein (a.k.a. King Ralph) became a paid, senior business adviser in the oil patch for Borden Ladner Gervais LLP. Meanwhile, his former chief of staff, Peter Elzinga, leapt from the employ of oil-sands giant Suncor only to serve as the executive director of Alberta's Conservative Party months later.

Given their one-sidedness, oil regimes fear transparency. This explains why Alberta operates one of the most secretive governments in Canada. Just last year Alberta's Conservative government made it legal for its petro-tyrants to lock away internal audits for 15 years and for government ministers to keep their briefing binders out of public view for five years.

Making propaganda is also one of oil's many antidemocratic characteristics. The Alberta government currently spends $14- million a year and employs 117 full-time staff in its Public Affairs Bureau to tell Albertans what to think. Not even President George W. Bush employs a propaganda arm this large in the White House.

The tone of government has also become increasingly authoritarian. Alberta Premier Ed Stelmach, for instance, declares that he can't even touch "the brakes" on rapid development in the tar sands any more than his counterparts in Venezuela or Russia can, say, touch the brakes on aggressive nationalization. Alberta has also sacrificed the rule of law. It seems whenever open public debate threatens to challenge another government-sanctioned energy project, the Energy and Utilities Board (EUB), a de facto rubber stamp for disorderly development, shuts down public participation citing "security" reasons. You never know what a disenfranchised 80-year-old citizen might say before regulators beholden to hydrocarbons.

Elected bodies no longer pull much weight in Alberta either. Three times last year the Regional Municipality of Wood Buffalo, a democratically elected body representing the hardworking citizens of Fort McMurray, presented compelling arguments for a slowdown of tar sands development in order to preserve some sense of community. The EUB, an appointed body, overruled the democrats every time with the same authoritarian elan championed by Hugo Chavez or Vladimir Putin.

Meanwhile the democratic gap between rulers and ruled grows wider every day. Polls show that Albertans overwhelming favour absolute reductions for carbon emissions, yet their government champions calculated inaction. Rural Albertans have asked for tough groundwater protection but get more oil and gas drilling in their backyards instead.

Exercising freedom of expression in Alberta can be risky too. When David Swann, the medical officer of health for the Palliser Health Authority, endorsed the Kyoto Protocol in 2002, for medical reasons no less, he got fired with a Venezuelan-like promptness. When Dr. John O'Connor, asked for a proper health study for first nations living downstream from the oil sands, Health Canada and Alberta Health, complained to the College of Physicians and Surgeons that he was "agitating the local population."

Alberta's politics mirror a global phenomenon. In a recent study of 105 oil-rich states between 1971 and 1997, political scientist Michael Ross consistently found that reliance on oil exports made a country less democratic regardless of its size, location or ideology. Oil corrupts and corrupts absolutely. Given that Canada is now ruled by Albertans and claims to be an "emerging energy superpower" as well as a "secure source of almost limitless energy resources" for North America, can Canada defy the axiom of our age?

Politicians serve those first who deliver the most revenue.

Torytube.ca

2007-06-10T15:59:00.000-05:00

What happens when hundreds of Ontario PCs take over a downtown Toronto hotel to reminisce about the good old days of Mike Harris and Ernie Eves ... and Ipperwash and Walkerton and teachers' strikes and Hydro deregulation and SARS running rampant and crumbling hospitals and runaway tuition hikes and waiting months for cancer treatment and all that good stuff?

Find out at Torytube.ca, which gets two big thumbs up ... way up ... from the Tail.

Next week, see Steve Janke's head explode and hear Kate MacMillan spell out her thoughts on the negro problem.

Pity The Poor Gold Digger

2007-06-05T10:01:00.000-05:00

It's been a long-time since this psychotic douchebag was in the news:

Calgary-based journalist Rebecca Eckler says she is suing the makers of the comedy Knocked Up for stealing her story.

Eckler, author of a memoir about her accidental pregnancy, also called Knocked Up, claims her 2004 book is the unacknowledged inspiration for the film, which had strong box office at its opening this weekend.

Writing in Macleans magazine, Eckler said she is suing Judd Apatow, director of Knocked Up, and Universal Studios, the producer.

The movie, like Eckler's book, is the story of a one-night stand, by a young woman under the influence of alcohol, that results in a pregnancy.

Getting drunk before getting pregnant is about the oldest story in humanity. Actually, it's the story of humanity. If it wasn't for booze, our species wouldn't have made it past the Middle Ages.

Eckler might think it takes a special talent to get pregnant out of wedlock, but the trailer parks of the world will show you it's not that hard.

While our gal Becks is making California lawyers rich fighting for the interests of full disclosure, she may want to take this opportunity to give a full accounting of all the quotes and sources she fictionalized in her dreadful column in the National Post between 1998 and 2003?

Or maybe Maclean's Editor Kenneth Whyte, who probably assigned Becks her j'accuse manifesto announcing the lawsuit, can tell us why he didn't fire the douchebag while he was Editor of the National Post, knowing full well that she was making up quotes and their sources?

Ze Verner Update

2007-06-05T06:09:00.000-05:00

Someone sent me this out of the blue. Quite funny.

Bunny Boiler Update

2007-06-05T05:57:00.000-05:00

The gregarious cigar-smoking Svengali down the hall has informed me that Vancouver's favourite serial stalker Rachel Marsden has been shitcanned from her latest job, getting escorted from the work premises by security guards. Sweet.

Gawker reports that Marsden turns out to be too crazy even for Fox News, where she filled the role as bulimic neo-con on Red Eye, its all-night panel show.

Maybe she was sending dirty pictures of herself to Bill O'Reilly. Nah. That would have got her promoted.

Attack Ads ... Done Well

2007-05-30T11:25:00.000-05:00

This is pretty top-notch guerrilla marketing. A note to all you aspiring Tory strategists: The truth is always funnier than anything you make up.

Dr. Bennett, Imbecile Woman

2007-05-26T12:42:00.000-05:00

Ontario's gearing up for a referendum on electoral reform in which voters will be asked to accept or reject a watered-down version of proportional representation in the provincial legislature.

The Toronto Star reports on the launch of the Yes campaign, in the presence of her majesty Carolyn Bennett, the self-appointed Queen Bee of the sisterhood, to deliver her royal approval of the reforms.

Liberal MP Carolyn Bennett (St. Paul's) was on hand at the Yes launch to note that a proportional representation system will almost certainly ensure more women in the Legislature.

"The old boys' network has always worked well for the boys. We now want it to work well for the girls," said Bennett, adding it's "embarrassing" there are so few elected women in Canadian politics.

Harken back to 2004, and remember Sheila Copps, the longtime Liberal MP for Hamilton-East. Copps, who's done more to advance womens' issues than Bennett can ever hope to, was being assaulted by the henchman of then-Prime Minister Paul Martin (remember him?). Copps' crime was to run for the leadership of the Liberal Party against Martin in 2003, thereby preventing a coronation of the shortest-serving leader in Liberal Party history.

Ever the brilliant strategists, Martin's so-called "board" of Tim Murphy, David Herle and Karl Littler decided that instead of making nice with Copps, she needed to be made an example. So in the redistribution of Hamilton-area ridings, Martin's PMO orchestrated Copps' defeat in her bid for the nomination using all the levers of petty corruption, threats and despotism at their disposal.

The result was the nomination of Tony Valeri, a longtime underachieving ward-healer whose most astute political move was to support Paul Martin by way of stabbing his predecessor in the back at every opportunity.

So where was Carolyn Bennett in this mess? Standing up for the sisterhood? Nope. She's was in the pocket of those old boys, working for Valeri.

Ze Verner Uber Alles

2007-05-25T09:06:00.000-05:00

It's hardly a huge revelation that the blogosphere is top-heavy with all forms of human loserdom. But this piece of scheizer deserves special attention.

Ze Verner is a German translator in Calgary, a little worm of a man who dresses up his many blogs to portray himself as a respected journalist and commentator, when in fact he is an intellectual suicide bomber. He's got a long history of getting himself banned from even the most innocuous discussion forums.
I thought I'd put a recent missive of his up here before he takes it down, after he's confronted with the full impact of his idiocy.

Teen dies in school shooting in Toronto
This is becoming quite typical of Toronto: bullets, bullets, bullets. All I know is that if I had any children, they'd never be allowed within a 200-km radius of Toronto. We also have to start acknowledging the facts behind the violence in Toronto: while poverty is certainly one of many factors, the import of cultures particularly prone to senseless violence (just look what they do to each other in their home countries) must stop. It's not helping us or them.

If I'm to follow Ze Verner's virulent racism to its logical conclusion, Canada should immediately put an end to whatever German immigration there might be, given that culture's recent propensity for anti-Semitism, genocide, mass murder, and invading and enslaving neighbouring countries.

And we can all be thankful he doesn't have any children.

Meanwhile, Back In Albeta

2007-05-22T16:29:00.000-05:00

The Tory candidate running to replace Ralh Klin in the Calary-Ebow by-eletion needs to werk on his speling.

H/T: Davebeta

What's Up With The Chicks These Days?

2007-05-10T11:00:00.000-05:00

Well, at least someone was working at the December Liberal Leadership Convention in Montreal.

THIS Magazine has a splendid epilogue and assessment of Martha Hall Findlay's insurgent candidacy for the Liberal leadership. We discover that the women who have the biggest impact on the political scene, and inspire other women to get into politics, aren't the usual Women in Politics(TM) suspects who nag their way into the power structure as hollow symbols (Hello Carolyn Bennett!).

The real power grrrls -- and the ones who best appeal to women voters -- are those who refuse to be defined by bullshit gender-identity frames that might have seemed really revolutionary and empowering in second-year university...in the same way that showing the top of your thong hiked up above the ass of your jeans might seem revolutionary and empowering when you're 17. Grow the hell up, girls.

What I take away from the THIS piece is that a generation of women in politics have done more to create barriers to women entering politics than any cabal of sexist cigar-smoking backroom-boy senators ever could. The expectations on women entering politics is that they must play the role of martyr for the sisterhood first and foremost. Until now, the emphasis on identity politics has produced a mediocre crop of dull-witted firebrands on the political scene just slightly more sophisticated in their world view than Rosie O'Donnell. A new crop, led by Hall-Findlay, is thankfully (hopefully?) leading interested women into political life for reasons other than filling a quota.

Oh, and I've got a huge crush on the author.

This Really Blows

2007-05-10T10:53:00.000-05:00

Researchers find oral sex can cause throat cancer.

Cue Jane Taber and Mike Duffy jokes here.

Mary Mother of Jesus H. Christ!!!! More Freefall!!!!

2007-05-08T21:02:00.000-05:00

Er, not really.

This is the fourth rogue poll in a row. What are the odds?

Stars And Stripes Forever

2007-05-07T09:33:00.000-05:00

Mike Harris and Preston Manning have killed another forest in the service of The Fraser Institute, duly reported by the FI's official daily organ, The Ottawa Citizen.

This time, our dynamic duo write that the only way Canada can be recognized on the world stage is to don a slutty dress, slap on the cheap lipstick, and play the role of prison bitch to the United States. This from two guys who thought Canada should send combat troops in the illegal war against Iraq.

Yep. Sure. We'll get right on that. Now just go play another round of golf and everything will be fine.

My brave prediction: The C/conservative movement will find that our relations with the U.S. will miraculously improve on January 21, 2009, without Ottawa allowing itself to get rogered in Cell Block No. 9 on a regular basis.

RIP RCMP

2007-05-03T12:59:00.000-05:00

The Auditor-General's report tells us that the RCMP's forensic laboratories are in such a state of chaos that it's not beyond the realm that guilty suspects may be going free and innocent people may be going to jail. This isn't just a problem for crimes investigated by the Mounties. Most municipal police forces send their evidence to one of the six RCMP labs for DNA testing and other forensic analysis.

On top of that, former top Mountie Giuliano Zaccardelli most likely fibbed about in front of the Commons Justice Committee in 2004, testifying the forensics lab was meeting its turnaround targets and was among the best in the world. In fact, it was meeting its own turnaround goals in 1% of total cases, and could probably be considered the best forensic lab in sub-Saharan Africa, at best.

The Big Z has a habit of misleading Parliamentary committees, as he did last September when he claimed he knew little about the U.S. Homeland Security's plans to send Maher Arar to Syria for the old electrodes-on-the-testicles treatment. It was later discovered he knew lots more than he said he did.

Off the top of my head, I can think of the following cases the RCMP has buggered up nine ways to Sunday:

- Air India bombing investigation over two decades

- Beatings and abuse by officers during 1997 APEC protests in Vancouver

- Beatings and abuse by officers during 2000 globalization protests in Quebec City

- 2005/06 income trust investigation announcement...in the middle of a freaking election campaign

- Failure to effectively investigate commercial crime and fraud on Canadian soil in the case of Conrad Black and Hollinger International

- Providing false information to U.S. authorities leading to the illegal deportation and subsequent torture of Maher Arar in 2002

- Failure to safely execute arrest warrant leading to the murder of four officers in Alberta in 2005

- An ill-considered letter to Swiss authorities in 1995 implying guilt on former PM Brian Mulroney in the Airbus bribery probe before any charges were considered, allowing Mulroney to score millions to settle his subsequent libel suit

- The above screwup leading directly to the end of the Airbus bribery probe

- Using journalist Stevie Cameron as an official RCMP informant in the Airbus bribery probe ... without telling her

- Diverting and mismanaging pension funds and improperly hiring relatives and friends to administer the force's pension, then covering it all up with threats and document destruction.

I'm finding it hard to believe the Mounties could set up an impaired-driving checkstop without screwing it up.

So here's a couple of rhetorical questions: why don't we just kill the RCMP and start over? I'm embarrassed enough by its recent history to support radical change, aren't you?

We could keep the RCMP in name only as a ceremonial body, maintaining the Musical Ride and the red-serged officers on Parliament Hill and national historic sites, sort of as a living museum exhibit paying tribute to our frontier heritage.

But why not just form a new National Police Service, cashier the corrupt and ineffective brass, recruit the best and the brightest from the OPP, city forces or even the FBI, and reconstitute current officers in a more targeted and flexible investigations force focusing on commercial crime, fraud, national security, forensic labs (that work properly), smuggling, immigration fraud, VIP protection, and enforcing federal statutes. Policy would be established by an oversight board, much like the Canada Radio-Television and Telecommunications Commission, who would hire the commissioner to keep the position one step removed from political interference.

The federal government can make funds available (through cost savings) to provinces to form their own provincial forces to police small towns and rural areas.

If the former Soviet bloc in Eastern Europe can rebuild their national security services from the ashes of their corrupt communist carcass, why can't Canada?

OMG!!! DION...I mean....HARPER IN FREEFALL!!!!

2007-05-01T15:41:00.000-05:00

From Canadian Press:

OTTAWA - A new poll suggests the federal Conservatives have squandered their sizeable lead and are now tied with the Liberals after a month of bad press.

The Decima poll, provided exclusively to The Canadian Press, indicates the Tories slipped to 30 per cent - putting them in a statistical tie with the Liberals who rose to 31 per cent.

Just a month ago, the Tories were edging close to 40 per cent, the threshold needed to win a majority.

But they've since been hit by a controversies over their climate-change plan, the treatment of Afghan detainees, and Prime Minister Stephen Harper's taxpayer-funded image adviser.

The NDP's support in the latest poll stood at 15 per cent and the Greens at 13 per cent.

In Quebec, the Bloc Quebecois led with 34 per cent to the Liberals' 21 per cent and the Tories' 18 per cent.

I Heart Justin

2007-04-30T22:12:00.000-05:00

I thought Justin Trudeau was a shallow, melodramatic mama's boy when he first came on the public scene. I had no reason to change my opinion when he flirted with the hot blue flame of media adulation when it suited his purposes, then demured to plead for his privacy not long after the first microphone was thrust in his face. Dude, you can't have it both ways.

Anybody whose spent any time around any political party knows there's no shortage of sons and daughters of political celebrities who give new meaning to the Dingwallian gem "entitled to their entitlements." The offspring are almost always low-wattage renderings of their famous parents whose chief talent is hanging onto those coattails with the grip of death. From what I hear, the Conservatives and NDP have their own versions aristocratic pedigree that are no less annoying.

Over here in the wilds of Parkdale-High Park, one such daughter-of stalks the watering holes of Roncesvalles Avenue in a moist and garrulous state bemoaning the denial of her rightful place in the House of Commons. Her father, a good and decent man, was the MP for the riding throughout the 1980s and 90s. His child believes the keys to the Liberal nod should be handed to her with none of the mess of a nomination, but has not the guts to put her name up and fight it out in an open vote. You can smell the bitterness, even more than the vodka.

While I was underwhelmed with Justin Trudeau at first glance, I did think that he was a notch above some of the more egregious children of the aristocracy. He'd been a teacher, a noble profession and one which by all accounts he excelled. He'd travelled widely, lived in different regions of Canada, and worked hard on behalf of causes that were close to his heart like wilderness education and youth exchanges. Few, if any, of his accomplishments were hastened or helped by his famous surname.

On paper, at least, he possessed the credentials that would make for a serviceable MP. At least he wasn't another freaking lawyer.

After his victory in the Papineau Liberal nomination race this weekend, my view of Trudeau has officially spun out 180 degrees. He went into the race against two strong candidates as the underdog. Moreover, he appears to have been targeted for humiliation by the odious Denis Coderre, the former Liberal minister and famed freeloading cottage guest of money-laundering ad agency guru Claude Boulay, who fancies himself a bit of a power broker.

Trudeau could have easily demanded, and received, a softer landing in a safer seat, but he toughed it out like a soldier.

But you know what I really love about the guy: he drives the elitist Quebec punditocracy to distraction. You know, the same punditocracy who dismissed Stephane Dion as a potential Liberal leader because it would be seen as an insult to Quebec.

If another Trudeau in the House of Commons means watching Normand Lester descend further into drooling, incoherent madness, well, I'm fine with that.

The Minister of Whining and Moaning

2007-04-28T11:03:00.000-05:00

Gordon O'Connor is somehow surprised that his general staff at DND have betrayed him and that Prime Minister Harper has forsaken his reputation on the altar of political expediency in the wake of the Afghan detainee scandal.

From the Globe:

A senior defence official, seeking to present Mr. O'Connor's views as he fights for his political life, said the Defence Minister feels he has been shouldering the blame for Canada's policies toward Afghan detainees for more than a year.

It was only after Mr. O'Connor ran into trouble in the House of Commons this week amid new reports of prisoner torture, that other cabinet ministers were brought in to defend the government.

“He didn't have any support for a year,” the official said. “This week, [other ministers] started to stand up because the Prime Minister gave the green light. He had been alone for a year. ...The minister is a team player. If his job is to take flak for everybody, he will take it.”

Poor baby. So much for The Accountability Party.

The reality is that O'Connor was asleep at the wheel and trusted his general staff to look out for his political hide on human-rights abuses in a theatre of war. As any former Defence Minister can tell you, that's like leaving the fox in charge of the henhouse.

The Minister, a retired general, should have been acutely aware of the back-stabbing traditions within the upper ranks of the Canadian Forces.

As for the Afghanistan mission itself, the treatment of detainees at the hands of Afghan security forces begs the question: Do Canadians really want to sacrifice the lives of their soldiers to replace one blood-thirsty despotic regime with another? The answer will become clear in the coming weeks.

Don't Trust Anyone Over 100

2007-04-27T08:19:00.000-05:00

Your Friday viral: Meet The Zimmers, the world's oldest rock band, featuring 90-year-old lead singer Alf Carretta. The bearded guy flipping the finger at the end is actually 100, and still works three days a week as a plumber.

The Tao Of Yeltsin

2007-04-23T21:42:00.000-05:00

Boris Yeltsin was the most perfect human rendering of the duality of today's populist politician. Boundless energy and tragic hubris. Great pride in his country and profound ignorance of its (and his own) limitations. Devoted to his people and vindictive toward his rivals, real and imagined. Brave inspiration and clueless demagogue. Prince and clown, in perfect balance. Only Ralph Klein came closer, and I don't have to point out the tragic similarities of these two.

Yeltsin, who died today, leaves behind a record of near total failure as a world leader save for one thing: he believed deeply in democracy in a land that has hardly ever known such a thing throughout its entire history.

A senior Communist Party apparatchik for 30 years, Yeltsin became the bulwark for democracy and radical reform when it became obvious that his beloved country was rotting from the top down. Those with a bare grasp of Soviet history toast the last Soviet president Mikhail Gorbachev as the man who snuffed out totalitarianism and central economic planning. But what they don't know is that Gorbachev was a Communist Party elitist who believed only he possessed the mental faculties to manage the transition with baby steps and half-measures. If Boris Yeltsin hadn't jumped on that tank in August, 1991, (bottom photo) when the Communist aristocracy moved against Gorbachev in a ham-fisted coup, who knows where history would have taken us instead.

It turns out that moment was as good as it got. There would be few proud moments for the next eight years as the first president of the Russian Federation. Yeltsin would spend most of his presidency charging from one crisis to the other: it began with the suspension of the Russian parliament in 1993 (leading to a bloody siege of the Duma); then came the utterly incompetent transition to a market economy (leading to the looting of the Russian peoples' rightful assets by a superclass of oligarchs, with Yeltsin family members taking their cut); full-tilt economic collapse in 1998 (leading to widespread poverty and a deeply rooted culture of corruption); and two devastating wars with Chechen rebels (leading full circle to the blunt force of despotism we see from his successor, Vladimir Putin).

In between the crises, we saw a buffoon who harangued world leaders one minute, then begged for billions in economic aid the next. His later years were sodden with vodka and comical outbursts, such as his 1996 re-election campaign (top photo), an election that was largely purchased for him by the grateful oligarchs that now owned all of the television stations and feared his main Communist opponent, Gennady Zyuganov.

(Incidentally, Zyuganov is making another run for the presidency in 2008...that is, if Putin decides there shall be elections, which is still an open question.)

Mackinnon writes that the Yeltsin record will be just as contentious in death as the man himself was in life. But there is one thing nobody can deny: Russians truly lived in free and democratic country under Boris Yeltsin. Every single democratic reform that he implemented beginning with his act of defiance on that tank in 1991 has been destroyed by the martial state that his hand-picked successor Putin has slowly foisted upon an unsuspecting nation.

Psychic, Bag Carrier, Door Opener

2007-04-20T09:40:00.000-05:00

Nice to know this gal has so many skills, talents and responsibilities. The taxpayer is surely getting the deal of the century, because we wouldn't want the Prime Minister of the Great Dominion opening his own doors.

From The Globe:

Michelle Muntean helps make Prime Minister Stephen Harper look like a star, but the personal image adviser also reportedly consults with the stars as a psychic, according to CTV News.

The self-described clairvoyant, whose role to officially primp the PM has come under fire in recent days, does not consult on psychic matters with Mr. Harper or his wife Laureen, his communications director, Sandra Buckler, said.

"She doesn't," Ms. Buckler said. "I don't care what she is. She is very helpful. She carries the bags. She opens the door. She is very nice."

As a footnote, the Conservatard Anonyratti is giving Andrew Coyne a lot of flak for having the temerity to point out that Harper blew the whistle on Preston Manning's primper back in the heady days of Reform in the 1990s. At least Manning had the good grace to charge those services to his party.

No Federal Election This Spring

2007-04-19T10:42:00.000-05:00

Not after this story in The Globe today:

Is PM's stylist a fashion faux pas? Fur flies over where salary comes from

OTTAWA — It's the little things that distinguish the world's best-dressed leaders -- the expertly coiffed hair, the tie that makes a statement without being garish, the lint- and dandruff-free lapels.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper displays all of those indicators of GQ sensibility thanks to a personal stylist who travels with him, apparently at taxpayer expense.

Michelle Muntean, his image adviser, was on the plane when he went to the Vimy Ridge ceremonies in France this month and the Asia Pacific Economic Co-operation forum in Vietnam last year. But her expenses are not listed on federal government websites with those of the rest of the PMO staff.

Reporters who have tried to determine her exact employment status have been rebuffed.

When New Democratic MP Judy Wasylycia-Leis asked the Prime Minister during Question Period yesterday to explain who pays Ms. Muntean's salary, the question was deferred to House Leader Peter Van Loan.

"The Prime Minister maintains a tour staff, as do all prime ministers. In fact, I believe members will find that this Prime Minister has a smaller tour staff than all his Liberal predecessors," replied Mr. Van Loan, an answer that would seem to suggest Ms. Muntean is, in fact, a staff member.

Reached at her home in Pickering, near Toronto, yesterday afternoon, she politely responded that she had no comment...

More here

Attention Gillian Cosgrove

2007-04-17T15:16:00.000-05:00

Please transport your husband to the nearest psychiatric facility before he hurts himself.

The Rapid-Fire Edition

2007-04-16T22:22:00.000-05:00

Hoping this takes your mind off of the horrifying day in Virginia.

VIVE LE BOOT LIQUOR LIBRE

If Boot Liquor FM isn't the best damn internet radio station in this world and the next, I'll be the next Bond Girl. Cooder Graw and The Pine Valley Cosmonauts back-to-back. I'm verklempt with tears of joy right now.

LIVE EARTH BLOWS A HOLE IN MY OZONE

Kelly Clarkson? Why? Was Weird Al already booked elsewhere? I thought this whole exercise was supposed to curb gaseous emissions. The lineup makes me wanna buy 10 Hummers and run over a bunch of baby seals and polar bears. What's the use of saving the world if it means being force fed shitty pop music.

STOP THE PRESS! DUMONT A SEPARATIST AFTER ALL!

I was slack-jawed last month when the Harper Conservatards and much of the punditocracy -- not just the usual dolts like Joan Crockatt, but supposedly smart people like Chantal Hebert -- decided that Action Democratique support in the Quebec election could be lumped in with the overall federalist vote. They just pulled that one out of their ass.

Not sure how they missed that rivetting footage of ADQ leader Mario Dumont standing abreast of Jacques Parizeau in the 1995 Quebec referendum, making passionate speeches about how Ottawa was keeping the pure lain down.

This weekend, Dumont decided, after the mountains of federal lolly dolled out to Quebec by the Conservatards in the March budget, it's vitally important to open new constitutional talks to map out a new future for Quebec.

Yeah, that's what the country needs. A great national clusterfuck where everybody's feelings get hurt, all chronicled in a series of dreadfully boring books by Susan Delacourt. Shoot me now.

SCREWED ON FRIDAY

T-dotters will find me and perhaps some fellow SFHers at the Dakota Tavern taking in The Screwed. Dundas and Ossington is the place to be. Best crystal meth west of Scarborough.

JANE TABER'S SECRET SOURCES REVEALED

None other than two of the most honourable MPs and brilliant strategists to ever darken the Gothic arches of Parliament Hill. Two individuals of class and distinction, a credit to their ethnicity and gender. Of course I could only be talking about Jim Karygiannis and Carolyn Bennett.

Yes I know. I'm as shocked as anyone!

Lost: One Brain Belonging To Aging Blowhard

2007-04-16T15:48:00.000-05:00

Proprietor: Raymond E. Heard - The man, the myth, the legend. Sycophantic baggage handler to the Canadian Establishment.

Evidence of brain last seen in mid-1980s, shortly before becoming failed communications director to failed Liberal leader John Turner, the beginning of a catastrophic cycle of bitter failure that is hard to match.

Likely lost attempting to dislodge head from the hind quarters of Matthew Barrett. Or maybe in a martini shaker at Winston's.

If found, please return here. Feel free to slip through mail slot.

Honestly, if the great legacy of Stephane Dion's leadership of the Liberal Party is only to drive Heard and the elitist has-beens like him into oblivion, it will have been worth it.

More Great Adventures With The Integrity Party

2007-04-12T13:49:00.000-05:00

Paul Wells via Elizabeth Thompson makes short work out of Stephen Harper's latest Grand Inquisitor, Daniel Paille. Google can be a bitch.

Oh, and here's the best part: This clapped-out separatist will make a tidy $100,000-plus courtesy of the Great Dominion for his six-month bum sniff.

Reqeuim For A Lightweight...Well, Maybe a Welterweight

2007-04-11T14:43:00.000-05:00

Belinda Stronach's House of Commons career is over less than three years after it began. If you give me another three years, maybe I can think of something she accomplished there. I'm sure the shareholders of Magna are grateful that her steady hand and good judgment will be returning to the executive suite entering into its takeover bid for DaimlerChrysler.

Seriously, I will give her major props on two points.

First, Stronach had a talent to reach into the psyche of women between 18 and 35, emboldening them to speak up on national issues affecting them, particularly those foreign to the gutters of politics. Much of this, I suspect, grew out of the withering male judgments on the way she lived her personal life, which I'm sure many gals have faced in their own private contexts.

Second, whatever you think of Stronach's ambitions or motives, she stood up with grace and class to the most prolonged, vengeful, vicious and defamatory Conservatard smear campaign I've seen in 20 years following federal politics. She had a thicker hide than I would have given her credit for at the beginning of her career. She was able to scramble back up to the high ground again and again without throwing mud back at her opponents. She carried herself with some quiet dignity that is rare in all parties. I'd be grateful if some of the more hypersensitive, litigation-obsessed Liberal MPs took her lead (I'm talking to you, Ralph Goodale).

Truth be told, I wish Jim Karygiannis and Denis Coderre had rich daddies to run to. The Liberal caucus would be much better off for it.

Pollster Scams: The Conservatard Version

2007-04-11T07:47:00.000-05:00

As much as I love to see failed svengali David Herle and the marauding horde of Earnscliffians with their nuts in a vise, this probe is too narrow and too cute.

If Public Works Minister Michel Fortier were truly the man of action, or as much as a man of action as possible for a senator, he'll expand the investigation into pollster scams to include the Treasury Board, the Environment Ministry and the Finance Ministry since February, 2006, under their Harris-era sugar daddies John Baird and Jim Flaherty.

The key words are Navigator, Enterprise Canada, convicted felon Jaime Watt and John Weir.

If any Parliamentary Press Gallery hacks can tear themselves away from their precious scrums and spoon-fed press releases long enough to take on the Tory version of consultant featherbedding, there's no need to acknowledge that you read about it here first. This is a public service.

Dion In Free Fall!

2007-04-09T00:04:00.000-05:00

Not according to SES:

Tories: 36% (unchanged from 2006 election popular vote)
Liberals: 33% (up 3% from 2006 election)
NDP: 16% (down 1% from 2006)
BQ: 10% (unchanged from 2006)
Greens: 6% (up 2% from 2006)

Funny how you didn't read about it on Bourque. But if you want to read about Canada's first female UPS driver, Bourque's all over it.

Bloody Sunday

2007-04-08T23:22:00.000-05:00

It’s Easter Sunday, and a sad one at that. After a relatively quiet winter, murderers, rapists and gangsters killed six Canadian soldiers today in a roadside bomb attack near Kandahar.

The people who killed them are driven to kidnap and decapitate hostages because they don’t want little girls to go to schools. They want to keep Afghanistan’s citizens in a state of bondage, controlled by fear and violence, harbouring and financing psychopaths who want to detonate nuclear bombs in Tel Aviv and fly jetliners filled with children into skyscrapers.

Now, I’m under no illusions that breaking the Taliban is an easy job. Their ranks have had insanity and firearms training drilled into them over 27 years, beginning with the anti-Soviet mujahadeen, years of civil chaos thereafter, and the more recent incitement by Al-Qaeda. Oh, and the Bush regime’s misadventures one country over in Iraq hasn’t helped much.

Our mission is pretty simple...on paper: Defeat the Taliban through a combination of force and helping to rebuild the institutions of civil society, the lack of which allowed the country to turn into a failed state, thanks to the Soviet Union's last-gasp expansionist ambitions.

That Canadian soldiers have to die violently, and their families ripped apart, for this to happen is heartbreaking. It's even more sad when so many other NATO countries involved in the containment of the Taliban are pussying out on patrolling the hot pockets of Taliban activity in the south of Afghanistan.

I wish it could be done some other way, but it can’t, so we carry on till the job is done.

* * *

I hope Prime Minister Stephen Harper says something like that upon his return to Canada on Monday. Failing that, I hope he can at least rip NATO's pussy bloc a new one and shame them into making a real contribution of force where it's needed most, in spite of the risks.

But you know what, I’ll bet he’ll accuse his opponents in Canada of helping the Taliban kill our soldiers in Afghanistan. All because it might be worth 2 1/2 points in the polls.

Because that’s just the kind of predictable old-line Reform-Party scumbag he is. Senator Eugene McCarthy would have been proud.

As Prime Ministers go, I think we can do better.

CORRECTION UPDATE: Oooops...I meant Senator Joe McCarthy would have been proud, not Eugene.

The Czar Of Stittsville

2007-04-02T14:51:00.000-05:00

The Globe and Mail's Middle East correspondent Mark MacKinnon has a freshly bikini-waxed blog up on the interweb, along with a much-anticipated book, The New Cold War, about his three years as the paper's Moscow correspondent.

Both will no doubt be entertaining, superbly well-informed and garnished generously with sly wit. I hearby welcome Mark into the Order of the Tail, where he'll have to give up his affection for the Edmonton Oilers to remain a member in good standing.

And if you ever feel the urge to punish your liver with Red Bull and vodka in the sleaziest bars in Moscow, there's no better guide.

Sweet. Mary. Mother. Of. Jesus.

2007-03-29T15:23:00.000-05:00

Karl Rove proves beyond any doubt he's the whitest man on Earth.

Make sure you're near a bathroom. This is so funny it will render your bladder helpless.

The Integrity Party

2007-03-26T14:27:00.000-05:00

It's a good thing John Reynolds works for a law firm now, because I think he's going to need an awful lot of them to get him out of this jam.

I would love to see this reptilian old blowhard sharing a cell with Chuck Guite.

Lead-Foot Ladies In Morocco

2007-03-24T12:33:00.000-05:00

The Girlfriend With A Tail sends her best wishes to Tail-land from a bivouac at the edge of the Sahara, where she's hunkered down with a rowdy band of rally grrls! and a lot of camels covering the Rallye Aïcha des Gazelles.

You can keep tabs at her fantastic rally blog.

Apparently, my claim that she only needed one sleeping bag to keep warm in the Moroccan desert was terribly bad advice.

Miss you, doll.

Jonathan Kay: You've Been Served

2007-03-24T10:42:00.000-05:00

Gerard Kennedy, Navdeep Bains and Omar Alghabra have served a libel claim on the Ruling Class's Media Bitch Jonathan Kay.

The three were smeared in a Feb. 27 column by Kay, who claimed that Bains and Alghabra, both Liberal MPs supporting Kennedy for Liberal leader, traded their votes and their powers of persuasion over other delegates at the Liberal leadership convention in December to Stephane Dion in return for opposing anti-terrorism legislation. Kay's allegation is based on comments from an anonymous source.

This allegation was rolled up into a larger racist theory that Liberals manipulate ethnic groups and their political hobbyhorses all the time to impose their will against the public interest, including slackening anti-terrorism statutes to make it easier for brown people to kill whitey.(ATTENTION HERR WERNER PATELS: I'M BEING SARCASTIC. GEDDIT?)

As bad as Kay's racist outburst was, I was initially reticient about the plaintiffs' desire to expose Kay's anonymous source and sue him/her too. Anonymous sources have traditionally had an important role to play in exposing corporate or government wrongdoing such as illegal pollution, child and senior abuse under state care, police corruption and brutality, medical malpractice, and many other issues in the public interest. Journalists shouldn't have to be forced by a civil or criminal court to reveal their anonymous sources if that person acted in good faith and could suffer real economic or physical harm if their identity was revealed.

But then there's the flip side of the coin, I thought. In Ottawa especially, anonymous sources are used widely to carry out vendettas with political rivals on a daily basis, and journalists have shown little desire to check out the source's veracity before jacking it up under 60-point typeface in their outlets.

The King and Queen of this cowardly practice is Bob Fife of CTV and Jane Taber of The Globe and Mail, two of the laziest hacks you'll find anywhere. I swear, some days I think they'll sit at their desks, wait for some jackoff to call them with some outrageous allegation off the record, run with it, and call it a day. Making things even more convenient for the anonyratti are multiple Hotmail or Gmail e-mail addresses and software to mask IP addresses.

In the United States, White House mercenary Lewis "Scooter" Libby was found to be at the heart of an anonymous smear job that leaked the name of CIA covert agent Valerie Plame after her husband, Amb. Joe Wilson, made critical comments of the Bush administration in the New York Times. The White House smear operation could have resulted in the killing of Plame or members of her web of contacts. How's that for class?

Any journalist worth their salt has an obligation to have their anonymous sources' charges confirmed in some form, whether through documents or some other public record, what have you. Even a second, unrelated anonymous source will usually pass the smell test, though that's hardly an ideal situation.

The plague of anonymously sourced vendetta journalism, thanks to the lazy-ass Parliamentary Press Gallery, has given all manner of sleazy manipulators and scorched losers the brass sack to demand anonymity in exchange for ripping into a rival with a trumped-up "exclusive" half-fiction. Kay has joined the game, much to he delight of the Harper PMO for which he has so much affection.

Kay called out three men of good character to be friends of terrorists, and suggested Stephane Dion knew it and made a backroom political deal in spite of this. It's hard to get more libellous than that.

Kay's source was someone who didn't have the courage to offer their name, and seeing how this was a dire matter of national security, they should have been more than happy to come out of the shadows for their country.

My guess: Kay doesn't even have a source. I think he made it up. It wouldn't be the first time a journalist has made up sources at the National Post to get on the front page.

But the bigger issue is the abuse of unnamed sources to settle scores in the political arena. It's completely out of control and the only people with the power to rein it in and act responsibly are reporters. If this lawsuit forces that to happen, than it will be a good development for Canadian journalism, not bad.

Spies Crash Tory Festival of Wankery!!!!

2007-03-19T15:58:00.000-05:00

You may have read that thousands of Tories descended on the Toronto Congress Centre this weekend like locusts, preparing for the final long march to power, sharpening their daggers, plotting their vendettas, etc.

The media jackals were kept at bay, as the Tories have proven unwilling to share their plotting and scheming. But a spy was in their midst, unbeknownst to them.

We at The Tail are eager to crack open the steel doors of Freemasonry enveloping the Conservative war machine. We snuck a spy into the Tory Festival of Wanker, though not on the taxpayers' dime, and managed to spirit this exclusive photo of the braintrust of Canada's New Government performing their social rituals. Enjoy:

Ze Verner!

2007-03-17T16:42:00.000-05:00

Apropos of nothing, here's a little gem I stumbled upon some time ago that deserves to be shared, nicely illustrating the talent and character of scumbag Tory bloggers out of Alberta these days.

Enjoy!

Subject: Werner Patels banned from TC for abusive behaviour
Posted: December 6, 2004 8:33 PM
Post #48609

Dear TranslatorsCafe.com members,

This is to inform you that Mr. Werner Patels has been banned from this website and won't be allowed to restore his membership at any point in the future. We have been forced into this unfortunate decision because Mr. Patels has not been able to desist from frequently insulting his colleagues and abusive behaviour in general.

Mr. Patels has been warned many times. In November 2003 his membership was suspended for a period of three months but after coming back he has continued to abuse people both at TC forums and in private emails sent via TranslatorsCafe.com.

We deeply apologise to all the members who may have been subjected to such behaviour and reaffirm our commitment to maintaining an environment of friendly and respectful discussion. The rules and guidelines aiming to protect such an environment will be strictly enforced in the future.

TranslatorsCafé Moderators

The Rapid-Fire Edition

2007-03-16T16:27:00.000-05:00

Thank you, my pretties, for your patience in the face of two weeks without The Tail. I am a total bastard for abandoning you to the purveyors of low-rent wankery, rather than the premium brand purveyed here, and pray you’ll forgive me.

Unlike other lunatic bloggers with all sorts of time to burn in between soiling their Depends, this corner has been hunched over the workbench generating wealth for the economy.

And because I honour…nay, worship…my dozens of regular readers, I refuse to puke out rushed, limp missives on the possible Dick Cheney-Anna Nicole Smith relationship, and that sort of thing. It’s all about quality rage here at The Tail, so thanks for hanging in there with me. How’s that for spin?

So, to get you over your DTs, I’m laying down the rapid-fire edition. Strap in, strap on, and let ‘er rip.

ISTANBUL … NOT CONSTANINOPLE

The Tailess and I are planning a journey to the land that bore the Byzantine and Ottoman empires, Turkey, in the coming months. We’ll be hitting Istanbul and venturing out to the Marmara, Aegean and Mediterranean regions.

Any and all Tail regulars who’ve traveled this land are encouraged to drop me a line with your intel, like preferred lodgings, horror stories, memorable moments, must-see sites and towns, brothels (kidding!) and sundry travel tips. All will be gratefully accepted.

Email: derekraymaker [AT] gmail [DOT] com.

DAD WITH A TAIL IN YEMEN

The old man just returned from the southern Arabian Peninsula and Persian Gulf in search of black gold and a fistful of khat. Ever the international man of mystery, he has some pretty good stories to tell on his online bodega.

Here’s a hint: Look forward to a whole generation of little boys born in the Persian Gulf in 2007 to be named Saddam.

CONRAD BLACK: OFFICIALLY A COWARD

I’ve tried to keep an open mind about this two-bit scheister as he begins his fraud, money-laundering and obstruction-of-justice trial in Chicago. But not only is sneaking in the back door of the courthouse on opening day an act of an elitist coward, it shows m’lord may be losing his swagger, as it’s horribly against type. Do the perp walk like a man!

I’m pleased, however, Black’s trial has finally begun, because if I have to read another breathless, felating feature of his legal Svengali Ed Greenspan, I’m gonna blow my freaking brains out.

THREE FLAMING MOES COMING UP

The good burghers in Port Leamington, Newfoundland, are storming the barricades, agitating in the streets, stalking politicians in their own houses.

Whatever for? Tax hikes? Oil spill? Fishery closures?

Nope. The mayor demanded the town’s volunteer firefighters stop drinking on the job and selling liquor out of the fire hall. The gall!

Do these people know this is how Newfie jokes get their cachet?

GEORGE STROMBOLOPOULOS IS GOOD FOR SOMETHING AFTER ALL

I’m loving the Lefsetz Letter, a brash, unhinged music-industry insider online screed published by a major label refugee with a lot, and I mean a lot, of scores to settle. And you know I’m a big fan of that sort of thing.

But when you’re right, you’re right. And Bob Lefsetz is right as rain in this missive on tanking CD sales.

PAT MARTIN, CAREER SUICIDE BOMBER

I always knew the Dipper MP from Winnipeg was a bat-shit crazy media whore, but Pat Martin has gone way off the reservation by suggesting his blessed NDP are as dead as Elvis and the only thing that can save it is an informal coalition with the Liberals.

Riiigghhht…we’ll get right on that.

Here’s what the bug-eyed Martin had to say in the Star:

Martin resisted the idea of a formal merger with the Liberals, saying he would "rather stick pins in my eyes," but he said the NDP has to expand its base "to swallow up the centre" or resign itself to Conservative governments becoming the norm for the next several years.

"I'm talking about some kind of informal coalition," Martin said, "and those are things we could have done under (former prime minister Paul) Martin but (he) wasn't willing. The phone never rang."

Maybe he couldn’t hear it over all the voices in his freaking head.

The NDP has been on life-support since Audrey McLaughlin was its leader in the early 1990s, kept alive by the good graces of the corrupt bosses at CUPW and CUPE. There is not an ounce of grassroots appeal in the current incarnation, beholden as it is to the public-sector unions, and average voters of a leftist bent have decided the Dippers are irrelevant to them.

Under Jack Layton, the NDP has become even more of a joke, chasing after headlines like the neighbourhood’s retarded dog chases after cars. The Dipper’s core platform is virtually unchanged from the 1970s, and it was on drugs even then. The core of its caucus are holdovers from the 1980s or refugees from corrupt and disgraced provincial and municipal NDP regimes: Olivia Chow, Dawn Black, Penny Priddie, Dave Christopherson.

Now I see Bill Blaikie, one of the few class acts on the NDP benches, is taking a powder. Granted, the man has suffered through the House of Commons for nearly 30 years, so no one can begrudge him a respite (not to mention a considerable pension). But I don’t think it was a surprise that he decided to announce his exit two days after Martin started talking merger.

THE NEW CRACK: STATISTICS CANADA’S CENSUS MAPS

I’m a census geek…can’t help it, and won’t fight it. With the release of the first wave of 2006 census data this week, StatsCan also unveiled a really cool mapping profile tool on its census web site.

Go here, then click on the map function to activate after you’ve chosen your community. The data overlays will get bigger and more detailed as more census data is released.

And how about that Conservative-blue branding of the StatsCan web site? How many of millions of taxpayers dollars were incinerated in that little stunt? Hello, Bob Fife? Mike Duffy? Rob Russo? Anybody home? Wakey wakey … hands of Snakey.

KARLHEINZ SCHREIBER: I'LL TAKE THAT INQUIRY NOW PLEASE

Okay, I'm game. How about that Airbus inquiry, since Peter Mackay and Chuck Strahl were so hot-to-trot for one in the 1990s.

The German arms dealer seems to be all right with it. So how 'bout it.

ROB ANDERS: DEAD WANKER WALKING

It’s always sad to see a Provincial Court judge force-feeding democracy down the throat of The Integrity Party. Those dang Liberal judges! But any decision that hastens the end of the political career of Rob Anders is okay with me.

Now, as long as the Conservative grassroots is doing a housecleaning of useless MPs in Calgary, they could do worse than showing this chubby bitch the trapped door to obscurity.

Jonathan Kay: Because Every Ruling Class Needs A Media Bitch

2007-03-01T15:01:00.000-05:00

The National Post’s Elitist-in-Chief thinks every brown person in Canada is a potential terrorist. Feel free to read his outrageously racist screed here. I guess ethno-politics is only okay if the chubby bitch Jason Kenny is orchestrating the photo-ops.

Jonathan Kay is a brave little soldier. But not too brave. Two days after penning this half-baked manifesto, Kay folds like a spineless jellyfish and runs a groveling correction about a month-old column written by Post columnist Warren Kinsella that factually revisits the creepy cash-filled-envelope relationship between fugitive German arms dealer Karlheinz Schreiber and unindicted perjurer Brian Mulroney.

So the Kay doctrine has been established: If you’re white and connected, he’s your bitch, baby. If you’re brown and non-Judeo-Christian, get used to the Maher Arar treatment and electrodes on your testicles.

Speaking of Mulroney: The Next Generation, Stephen Harper is looking and sounding more like Senator Joe McCarthy everyday. Look for it in Jane Taber’s dumbass column. Hot: witch hunts and blacklists. Not: equality under the Charter and freedom of association.

One more thing. It’s been nearly two weeks since Justice John Major declared that he couldn’t conduct a proper inquiry into the Air India bombing until Ottawa's security trenchcoats lightened up on the paranoia and black marker.

Just wondering if they've indulged Major’s reasonable request. Or are they continuing to protect the terrorists!

UPDATE: Looks like Kay's slander came largely out of his considerable ass. Maria Minna, the initial target of his screed, lays the smackdown on Kay's assertion that she knowingly attended a social event hosted by a group connected to Tamil "terrorists" in Sri Lanka in 2000. Turns out that CSIS didn't share Kay's view that the Federation of Associations of Canadian Tamils was a terrorist front. This makes Kay, at best, a crappy journalist and, at worst, a liar.

You Want Scumbag Tory Push Polls?

2007-02-21T15:27:00.000-05:00

Well, have we got the scumbag Tory push poll for you, courtesy of scumbag Tory MP Pierre Poilievre. He's the one on the right playing with John Baird's sausage.

The Accountability Party

2007-02-19T11:33:00.000-05:00

So much for that full and public inquiry. I'm getting the feeling that the corrupt swill holding the black markers are doing whatever it takes to protect the actions of one M. Brian Mulroney. A great day for the public's right to know.

Alberta On Demand

2007-02-16T07:45:00.000-05:00

My main man Mike Miner produced a stellar one-hour panel on the nuances of Alberta and Quebec power politics on the federal scene last night on TVO's The Agenda. Which, by the way, is turning into required viewing in a lot of ways. That Steve Paiken is way more than just a puffy head of hair...he's one sharp dude.

Miner is keeping the ball rolling on his TVO blog. As always, he has shown his excellent taste in asking me to kick things off with a screed. As he said, fire at will.

Back To The Sleaze Lab

2007-02-07T13:09:00.000-05:00

That chubby bitch Jason Kenny has some 'splainin' to do.

Most find anti-Dion Tory ads unfair: poll
Canadian Press

OTTAWA -- A new poll suggests Canadians are not impressed by Conservative party TV ads that attempt to discredit new Liberal Leader Stephane Dion.

The survey by Decima Research found that 38 per cent of respondents -- out of a sample of more than 1,000 -- recalled seeing the attack ads.

But among the 388 Canadians who remember watching the unusual, non-election-period political advertising, 59 per cent said the ads were not fair in how they described Dion. Only 22 per cent felt the ads were fair.

Fully two thirds of the respondents said the information in the ads was not relevant to their choice in the next federal election, compared with 26 per cent who said it was relevant...

Astronauts...Can't Live With 'Em...

2007-02-07T12:59:00.000-05:00

I have only one thing to say about the rise and fall of Capt. Lisa Nowak: Ladies, no guy is worth driving to Orlando wearing a diaper. Eat a bucket of ice cream and watch Carey Grant films instead.

I'm giving you pearls here.

The Garth Turner Exploding Head Sweepstakes

2007-02-06T22:16:00.000-05:00

How long will Garth Turner, the former "journalist", last in the Liberal caucus before he quits in a rage/gets kicked out/his head explodes?

Post in the comments below or email (derekraymaker [at] gmail.com) the date on which you think The Great Man's days as a Liberal caucus member comes to an end, no doubt accompanied by crocodile tears, a press conference, and/or flying chunks of brain matter.

The winner who picks the date closest to the crucifixion will win a sensational SFH prize pack including:

SFH T-shirt
SFH ladies thong (new)
The eponymous debut CD and...
Fury's Hour, Winky's excellent memoir and metaphysical archeological dig of punk rock subculture.

I'm totally serious about this.

Attention All You Charm School Dropouts

2007-02-02T09:28:00.000-05:00

SFH is back in action Saturday night, opening for Hamilrock punk rock rogue Mickey De Sadist of the Forgotten Rebels. See ya there.

Karlheinz Schreiber: Don't Let The Door Hit You

2007-02-01T16:47:00.000-05:00

If you’re in the vicinity of the oak-lined offices fo Ogilvy Renault in Montreal this afternoon and are overcome by foul odours, it’s because there’s much soiling of the undergarments of the Rt. Hon. Brian Mulroney this afternoon.

The pastaman Prime Minister’s favourite Prussian bagman, the German-Canadian fraudster Karlheinz Schreiber, has been cleared for take-off to finally face charges of fraud and tax evasion in connection with the shady sale of German tanks to Saudi Arabia:

Top court dismisses Schreiber extradition appeal
Thursday, February 1, 2007
CBC News

Karlheinz Schreiber is one step closer to being sent back to Germany after the Supreme Court of Canada Thursday dismissed the German-Canadian's appeal to avoid extradition.

But the ruling does not mean Schreiber, who is wanted in Germany on charges of bribery, tax evasion, fraud and breach of trust, will be deported immediately.

Karlheinz Schreiber arrives at Ontario Superior Court in Toronto on Friday, March 12, 2004. He is wanted in Germany on charges of tax evasion, bribery and fraud.…

…Schreiber made headlines last year when he told CBC's The Fifth Estate that former prime minister Brian Mulroney received $300,000 after he left office from a secret Swiss bank account controlled by Schreiber.

Mulroney was strapped for cash at the time, Schreiber told The Fifth Estate's Linden MacIntyre.

In 1999, a spokesman for Mulroney denied any money was exchanged. But in 2003, Mulroney indirectly acknowledged he did receive money from Schreiber but as payment for his help in promoting Schreiber's pasta business.

Schreiber was also linked with the so-called Airbus affair, involving allegations of secret commissions paid to members of the Mulroney government in exchange for Air Canada's purchase of a large order of Airbus jets.

Mulroney subsequently sued for libel and, under oath, testified that he "never had any dealings" with Schreiber. Mulroney received a government apology and a $2-million settlement.

My most prescient workmate and bass player was pondering Mulroney’s unmatched talent for evading his day of reckoning in his National Post column today.

Who has written about this extraordinary story? Andrew Coyne of this newspaper, twice, who has said that unanswered questions taint and tarnish the reputation of the former Conservative prime minister. Prof. Michael Bliss, who also wrote in these pages that it is “the scandal that won’t go away.” The CBC’s The Fifth Estate did a show about it. Canadian Press filed some stories. The Globe and the Montreal Gazette have written heartfelt editorials about the matter — in the latter case, stating plaintively: “we need to know more.” That’s about it.

So after all the high-priced legalists, all the plaintive support from former Tory cabinet ministers, all the libel chill, all the media and political fatigue, the good people of Germany will finally be able to lay their claim against one of the sleaziest shysters to ever slither through Ottawa. And let me tell you, earning that title is no easy feat.

Now that the hoosegow is within sight, we can only hope that the old codger has the decency to come clean with his role in dealing arms and airliners and the funds he used to feather the nests of the powerful to make it all happen.

Decency is not something that comes easy to this crowd. But in Schreiber’s case, at the very least he can do the right thing in exchange for the eight years of freedom he bought himself with the due process afforded by his Canadian citizenship.

Ah, Karlheinz, we’ll miss you. But look on the bright side. I know you’ll probably find better schnitzel in a German prison than you ever will at even the finest so-called gausthause in Canada.

Are All White Men This Stupid, Kemo Sabe?

2007-01-26T09:46:00.000-05:00

The MP who wants to throw journalists in jail for publishing or broadcasting inaccurate information thinks it's funny to refer to First Nations as "Tonto."

Interestingly, the man who played Tonto in the seminal 1950s Lone Ranger television series, Jay Silverheels, was from the Six Nations Reserve near Brantford, Ontario. In addition to being a pioneering actor establishing sympathetic leading roles for First Nations performers, he was also an accomplished lacrosse player, wrestler and amateur boxer.

He suffered from being typecast as Tonto after the Lone Ranger series went off the air, and found challenging roles hard to come by. Instead of feeling sorry for himself and descending into a life of Hollywood decadence and self-parody, Silverheels turned to poetry, particularly to evoke his upbringing on the Six Nations. During this time, he also established the American Indian Actors Workshop to help train other First Nations performers.

But to Mayes, he's just a punchline.

I realize that every caucus has their Hedy Frys and Pat Martins, but Canada's Old New Government has oversubscribed its quota with the likes of Mayes, Rob Anders, Myron Thompson, Maurice Vellacott...

...Stockwell Day, Scott Reid, Cheryl Gallant...

...Anne Cools, Brian Pallister, Vic Toews...

...[YAWN]...Garry Breitkreuz, Kevin Sorenson, Rob Merrifield...

...[WOULDYA LOOK AT THE TIME]...Nina Grewal, David Emerson, Wajid Khan...

Marilyn Churley: Not Dead Yet

2007-01-25T16:47:00.000-05:00

On February 9, unemployed demagogue Marilyn Churley takes a break from her busy schedule as a has-been rent-a-pundit to bask in your admiration and cash.

The legendary gasbag is slated to be feted at a "tribute" in the Beaches that night. But what do you know. The Dipper Diva and professional shit-fitter, ever the promise-breaker, turned it into $100 a head fundraiser for another federal run against Liberal Maria Minna, who kicked her ass in 2006.

"This was planned some months ago to pay tribute, as it says, for my 20 years of public service both in and out of politics...Since then, I've been urged by many, many people to run federally in Beaches-East York. But this party is not about that."

It looks like Churley has kissed and made up with Mayor David Miller. After losing to Minna, Churley vented her considerable spleen on the Mayor for refusing to endorse her. Now, Miller is co-hosting the "tribute", along with a pantheon of washed-up socialists and professional bores like June Callwood, Shirley Douglas, Michele Landsberg, Judy Rebick and Heather Mallick. CBC's resident minority Jian Ghomeshi is slated to entertain.

So what does Churley's return to public life hold in store for the good peeps of Beaches-East York? The Tail archives tells all here and here.

You've been warned.

Paging Dr. Strangelove

2007-01-16T18:01:00.000-05:00

You know that shit sandwich the world is being force-fed in the Middle East thanks to five years of Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeldian blundering? Well, it's about to get a whole lot chewier.

The AP reports:

[Russian] Defense Minister Sergei Ivanov said Tuesday that Moscow had sent air defense missiles to Iran, the first high-level confirmation that their delivery took place despite U.S. objections.

Ivanov did not specify how many missile systems had been delivered, but a ministry official speaking on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the subject said not all the systems contracted for had been delivered.

"We have delivered short-range Tor-M1 missiles to Iran in accordance with the contract," Ivanov told reporters..."If the Iranian leadership has a desire to purchase more defensive weapons, we would do that," Ivanov said, without elaborating...

If NATO's leading power was led by sane and competent statesmen and women, there would be little chance that the megalomaniacs kleptocracy of Russia would pull a stunt like this. They would be reasonably assured that selling air defence missiles a regime led by a Holocaust denier would lead to world scorn and much vigorous support for pro-democracy groups and politicians within Russia.

But since the United States has chosen to incite civil war in Iraq, ensuring the Taliban and Al-Queda have enough suicide bombers and mortar rounds to last from now till Allah returns, we live in a world where Russia can arm the most volatile region in the world to the teeth and everybody's hands are tied by events of much greater magnitude.

Of course, Canada has a pretty darned good history of shaming the alpha-dogs of the world into stumbling toward that elusive goal of the greater good. But with Peter Mackay's head so far up Condi Rice's sweet patootie, I'd say our days of honest brokering are over...for now.

I mean, Karlheinz Schreiber's close personal friend isn't taken seriously, even by the Mexicans.

They Can't Even Get An Execution Right

2007-01-15T09:49:00.000-05:00

The Associated Press reports this morning that two henchman of Saddam Hussein were hanged early Monday morning for atrocities too numerous to mention. This time, all precautions were taken to make sure no cellphone videos would find their way to the interweb and that the two defendants were not harrassed before going off to meet Allah.

One of the condemned men didn't follow the script. The rope popped the head off of Barzan Ibriham, Hussein's half-brother, as he descended through the gallows.

Now, the Tail's sense of humour has broad parameters, but there's nothing funny about that. The reason I bring it up is that I was struck by this response in the AP story:

"Government spokesman Ali al-Dabbagh said the gallows were built to international standards and in accordance with human rights organizations."

I'd like to know what human rights organizations publish guidelines on humanely hanging people from the neck. I mean, one that wasn't operating during the Spanish Inquisition.

Calling All Icebergs!

2007-01-03T12:28:00.000-05:00

The Western Standard sets sail off Mexico in only 10 days! There's only 5 staterooms remaining! You, too, can dance the salsa and knock back virgin Margaritas with this stellar cast of accomplished whiners and liars.

The Other Raymaker

2006-12-27T00:15:00.000-05:00

Here in Calgary, enjoying Christmas with the family, and there are no homicides to report...yet.

After much pestering and even more martinis, Dad With A Tail, a local legend of law, politics and folklore, set up his very own blog this afternoon.

His first salvo is an entertaining shot across the bow of the Good Ship Stelmach, which is due to run aground any day now.

So welcome to the wankosphere, pop. You can read him here.

Merry Christmas ... Now Get Lost

2006-12-20T12:11:00.000-05:00

The Toronto Star has made a lot of money and pulled a lot of emotional heart strings by telling sad tales of poor schleps getting laid off just before Christmas.

This tells me there won't be the same enthusiasm for those stories this year:

Torstar to Cut 85 Jobs at Newspaper Unit as Ads Slip

Dec. 20 (Bloomberg) -- Torstar Corp., publisher of Canada's biggest newspaper by circulation, plans to cut about 85 jobs to reduce costs as advertising revenue declines.

The cuts will cost about C$11 million ($9.6 million) in the fourth quarter and will save about C$5.5 million annually, Toronto-based Torstar said in a statement. The company publishes the Toronto Star.

Today's reductions follow 70 job cuts at the Toronto Star circulation department in June ...

Post Mortem

2006-12-08T15:08:00.000-05:00

The SFH show at Rancho Relaxo was by far our best ever, and not because there were semi-naked people prancing around in glittery knickers with riding crops and handcuffs. We're actually sounding like a real band, with real talent, who really know how to play their real instruments.

Thanks as usual to the brave soldiers who came in the blustery chill, and especially those who passed up the chance to foxtrot with the drooling Patrick Gossage at his annual Christmas brown-nosing fiesta. I hear it's been an especially lucrative year in CBC publicity outsourcing.

And a big hoo-ha for the Shameless Dames, who left jaws agog with their three-penny opera burlesque revue. These ladies and their male consorts can shake their pasties on our stage any old time.

SFH Bulletin

2006-12-07T11:37:00.000-05:00

Tonight's SFH extravaganza features the lusty ladies of the Shameless Dames burlesque troupe, shakin' money makers and breakin' hearts. Just the way your Daddy likes it.

See ya there.

The Tail In The MTL

2006-12-01T17:51:00.000-05:00

So here I am in the deepest heart of the Quebecois Nation taking in the Liberal Leadership Convention and Festival of Bilious Scumbaggery.

I have consciously chose to let others blog their asses off on the merits of their chosen candidates. I never wanted the Tail to be anybody's foghorn ... besides my own. That said, with 24 to 36 hours until the next leader ascends, I unveil my preference for all to admire.

It's Stephane Dion. The decision came about more as a process of elimination, but I'm feeling good about it. He brought a lot to the table in terms of contributing forward thinking policy ideas and record of honour and accomplishment. But more than that I like the dignity he carries with him. He's tougher than he looks, and he's unapologetic about his vocation as a politician. You have no idea how sick I am of seeing people run for public office claiming they're not politicians. Just admit and move on.

I ran to be a delegate in Parkdale-High Park, and I did fairly well for a white man in the Liberal Party's delegate selection mechanism that's chock-a-block with reams of crazy ass quotas for youth and women. But I didn't make it. So I'm saving a thousand bucks and I don't have to stand in line to vote in what is an amazingly piss-poorly run convention administration commandeered by narcassisstic Liberal functionaries.

Driving into the QN on autoroute 20 in the driving rain, it struck me that this francophone nation might want to start building decent roads before it goes forward with imposing the collective will on minorities and blackmailing the federal government for cash. All those years of PQ government, Bill 101, language police. Crappy potholed highways are a threat to life and limb in both official languages.

I've been overtaken with a little bit of Stockholm Syndrome. My natural shell of cycnicism has been cracked by legions of fresh face youngsters and grassroots party warhorses working their little buns off. I will feel a little misty to see their dreams shatter on the convention floor. But that's what the booze is for.

I'm holed up at Dion Central at the Place D'arms on St. Jacques Street, about a block from the Convention Hall. It's a good thing it's not any further, because a biblical typhoon has been lashing Old Montreal for two days now. The rainwater showerheads and fake fireplaces make it all worth it. The chinchilla-skin (or something like it) bed throws are a nice touch. I feel like I'm in the Von Trapp family chalet.

Team Ignatieff seems deflated, like they're going through the motions. Poor dears. Their strategy seems to have evolved from pouring Michael Ignatieff into the Trudeau mold to hiding him and lying their ass off. The Ignatieff spinocracy has been permamantly camped out in front of the media filing room, spreading whatever rumour pops into their heads.

Bob Rae has emerged as the candidate of the elite here. Slick, well-choreographed and jazzed up on ex-officio endorsements, Rae is riding high so far, but the core of his campaign comes from bagmen and blue hairs. Not exactly the key ingredients for growth.

Gerard Kennedy and my guy are jazzed up on youth and a bit of insurgent-style tenacity and bravado. Kennedy's poor strength in Quebec can't really take him to the last ballot, but he has (finally) showed a few political smarts in the dying days of the campaign by hammering away at the historically retarded House motion declaring the Quebecois a nation. My view of him has improved.

I'm heading over to hear some speeches now. I shall check in later. Go brave my pets. Pray for me...and my liver.

The Motion And The Nation

2006-11-28T07:33:00.000-05:00

The House of Commons stole my country from me last night. Symbollically, of course. But they still stole it.

When I was young and kinda naive, it didn't take much to find religion on the Trudeau view of Canada: a safe harbour of individual rights protected from the will of the mob and the government, and a welcoming place free from the excesses of mindless tribalism.

Times change. Communities change. The kids grow up. Life goes on. The truth is that the Trudeau doctrine isn't perfect. Neither are the pillars of British Common Law. But it's the best we've got, and both give Canada much to be proud.

I'm willing to move forward if someone can convince me that the Trudeau principles no longer reflected the fabric of Canada. All I want is for Canada to remain the beacon of respect, tolerance and opportunity for all, with the freedom for it to grow on a foundation of liberal democracy.

The motion stating that the Quebecois form a nation within a united Canada ain't it.

The motion passed by the House of Commons last night moves the rights of all Canadians backward, to a time when individual rights could be ignored and supressed. It affirms the rights of demagogues to trample the rights of others in their community under the semantic veil of nationhood. And it paves the way for the self-appointed egotists to demand side deals, cash and the emasculation of the federal government, all in the name of national aspiration, as long as it's "within Canada." Maurice Duplessis should have been so fortunate.

It appalls me that the House of Commons has but 16 members who have the courage to oppose this motion. I knew this federal government had a propensity to whore itself out for a couple of points in the polls, but I had no idea how desperately feeble the entire House of Commons would prove to be when faced with a motion that devalues my citizenship. I had no idea this House could be so easily boxed and giftwrapped by a washed-up humiliation junkie like Gilles Duceppe.

Stephen Harper is a smart guy. The problem is he thinks he's smarter than everybody else. You'd think the experience of Michael Ignatieff would have taught him the dangers of lacking humility.

Harper knows this motion will lead to a vicious bunfight on the floor of the Liberal leadership convention this weekend. He might be right. But what happens on Monday? Presumably, he'll still be Prime Minister. The leader of the country. He'll get a call from Jean Charest. What then? I hope it was worth it for him.

Yesterday, I was a citizen of Canada. Today, I'm a number in a sub-grouping in a factionalized country, a less volatile and less hateful Yugoslavia, with caribou and oilsands. I live in a country whose federal politicians will sell me out for the margin of error.

UPDATE: I'm of course very pleased to be No. 666 on this petition.

Let The Festival Of Scumbaggery And Backstabbing Begin

2006-11-24T11:42:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder why Quebec is widely considered the sleazy underbelly of Canadian politics? Wonder no more:

Dion organizers join Ignatieff's camp (Toronto Star)
MONTREAL—Liberal leadership frontrunner Michael Ignatieff has made the first in what promises to be a flurry of similar moves ahead of next week's vote, poaching a trio of senior Quebec organizers from rival Stéphane Dion.
The defections foreshadow a chaotic second ballot at the leadership convention, with the leading camps pulling out all the stops to woo the others' supporters.
At an event designed as a Quebec show of political force by Ignatieff, who leads in committed delegate totals in the province, his campaign feted the new arrivals from the Dion campaign.
After delivering a partisan speech, Ignatieff told reporters the defections are "huge, absolutely huge, that's momentum."
They include a former candidate from the Quebec City region, a top Dion organizer in the provincial capital, and former Lévis MP Christian Jobin.
"I would say that the majority of Mr. Dion's delegates will be deserting him after the first ballot," said Jobin, who told Dion the bad news on Wednesday.
Jobin and the other two — who claim they are bringing a dozen delegates along — said they were attracted by Ignatieff's positions on two hot-button issues in Quebec: openness to recognizing Quebecers as a nation and a willingness to address the so-called "fiscal imbalance."

I don't know what kind of drugs Jobin was high on when he declared his support for Dion, knowing full well that his candidate was a long-standing foe of recognizing Quebec as a nation.

The great thing about these leadership conventions is that you'll find out who your real friends are. Jobin and his two unnamed henchmen would sell his own daughter to the brothel for the price of a title and an empty promise.

It's these kind of scumbags who give the Liberal Party a bad name, and it will never win another election until they are snuffed once and for all.